I started this awhile back. Not to air dirty laundry, although many will see it as that. But I have been portrayed certain ways. And even looked down upon for giving up on my marriage. So I made this list awhile back for myself more than anything. It helps me put things in perspective when I start questioning myself. This list helps me see the absolute chaos that my life was while in the relationship. And I assure you, this is not an exaggeration. If anything I am being conservative in these figures.
1 relationship that lasted approximately 2100 days
2 weddings 1/2010 in Provo, UT & 6/2012 in Las Vegas, NV
2 divorces
1 year long separation
1 protective order after he threatened to shoot me (to his co-worker)
4 times picking him up from jail upon release
10 visits to him in county jail
1 meeting with a bail bondsman in a parking lot
2 stays in residential addiction recovery (rehab)
14 family group meetings during rehab
30+ LDS Addiction Recovery for Families or Al-anon meetings
5 days of missed work for me
15 days of work taken off early or gone in late for me
1 job lost for attendance issues also for me
12 times supporting him in court- 3 of those he was brought in in shackles
4 nights in hotels for myself and my kids to get away from either drunken rage and/or threats
12 days without running water after bank account was gambled away in Wendover
3 stays in detox with BAC in the near fatal range (.33 once - .08 is a DUI)
I'm sure I am forgetting things. And honestly I hope I can forget a lot of this. The figure that is the cherry on top is that he remarried 59 days after our divorce was final. So someone else gets to start on her list.
But I am cleaning up after the mess that was left and moving forward....
PS- I thought I'd add that if you or someone you know has been in a relationship with an addict and needs help or just someone to talk to, feel free to send them my way. I went into this very naive but I've learned a lot.
Hi. I'm Shelly Rae.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
"Hang In There"
Sometimes life just sucks. And the holidays can magnify any grief, anxiety, loss, sadness, etc. a person might be going through.
So don't let the title of this blog fool you- I'm not here to say "Hang In There" to those of us in the bah humbug group. Quite the opposite. I'm here to politely explain that if one more person tells me to "Hang In There" I might just punch them.
Don't get me wrong. I've get it. I know it's really tough to know what to say when someone is sad. So let me help you out. You actually don't have to say anything at all. We are humans. And part of the human experience is pain and sadness. We've gone through divorces. And loss of loved ones. And financial struggles. And so on. So we don't all have those wonderful photos of our family all together in their matching jammie pants to post to Facebook and Instagram.
Does this mean I don't want you to share your happy times with me? Not at all. When I don't feel like I want to see those things I know how to keep myself off of social media. But it does mean that when you ask how my holidays have been and I force a smile and say "hmmm... not so great", please just nod, I personally appreciate a "yeah things suck sometimes", and I am even cool with a hug. But please... please... no more...
"Hang In There"
PS- I've chosen to keep this about the holiday feelings and events in general but I assure you I am aware of and believe in the true reason for Christmas. That is another lecture I do not need. My faith has gotten me through some dark moments and will continue to do so.
PSS- Chill out. I am ok. This is somewhat tongue in cheek. Somewhat. And I guarantee you I am not the only person that feels this way.
So don't let the title of this blog fool you- I'm not here to say "Hang In There" to those of us in the bah humbug group. Quite the opposite. I'm here to politely explain that if one more person tells me to "Hang In There" I might just punch them.
Don't get me wrong. I've get it. I know it's really tough to know what to say when someone is sad. So let me help you out. You actually don't have to say anything at all. We are humans. And part of the human experience is pain and sadness. We've gone through divorces. And loss of loved ones. And financial struggles. And so on. So we don't all have those wonderful photos of our family all together in their matching jammie pants to post to Facebook and Instagram.
Does this mean I don't want you to share your happy times with me? Not at all. When I don't feel like I want to see those things I know how to keep myself off of social media. But it does mean that when you ask how my holidays have been and I force a smile and say "hmmm... not so great", please just nod, I personally appreciate a "yeah things suck sometimes", and I am even cool with a hug. But please... please... no more...
"Hang In There"
PS- I've chosen to keep this about the holiday feelings and events in general but I assure you I am aware of and believe in the true reason for Christmas. That is another lecture I do not need. My faith has gotten me through some dark moments and will continue to do so.
PSS- Chill out. I am ok. This is somewhat tongue in cheek. Somewhat. And I guarantee you I am not the only person that feels this way.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Here we go again. I'm in the middle of another divorce. I am embarrassed to actually count. I used to make fun of people that were like this.
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
So.... where do we draw the line? Do we keep doing stupid stuff in hopes of finding an amazing love? Or do we close ourselves off?
What I do know is that it's time for me to take a step back, take some time alone, breathe, soul search, heal my soul, and then see where that takes me.
In the mean time... can we just get through this stupid divorce already?! It was much easier when there was no money and no stuff to argue over. Sheesh!
I'm flawed. I make mistakes. Especially when it comes to emotion.
There's this part in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" when GiGi says this...
So.... where do we draw the line? Do we keep doing stupid stuff in hopes of finding an amazing love? Or do we close ourselves off?
What I do know is that it's time for me to take a step back, take some time alone, breathe, soul search, heal my soul, and then see where that takes me.
In the mean time... can we just get through this stupid divorce already?! It was much easier when there was no money and no stuff to argue over. Sheesh!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Moms have feelings too!
I started this post a few weeks ago and only got as far as the title. I was clearly having a mom moment.
One of those moments when your kids seem to forget that we have feelings, feelings that get hurt too. I saw a post on Facebook today that pretty much summed it up...
1. And you still do. Actually more now. The very first time I cried from a mixture of fear and excitement. I don't recall crying in labor but I know some do and I don't blame them. I do remember crying from sleep deprivation. I cried when you got your shots. I cried when your bus left for kindergarten. I cried when your friends were mean to you. I cried when you won league in water polo and went crazy with your team. I cried during your cheer performances. I cried during every Primary program. I cried when you'd call me late at night for a no questions asked ride home. I cried when you spent 4 days in "juvy". I cried when you moved in with your dad. I cried just the other day when I got your text saying "I love you mom and hope you are having a good day."
2. And because I'm not always selfless sometimes I took that piece of pie. But more often I gave it to you.
3. It really did. But it was worth it.
4. Always. I still am. Mostly afraid I'm going to mess it all up. I don't have an instruction book.
5. Farrrr from it.
6. Sometimes even stole a kiss. I still do when I'm lucky enough to have you fall asleep in my bed.
7. Yep.
8. Even worse now.
9. Try to.
10. Yep.
To wrap this up I have something to say about motivation. I am entering a phase of motherhood that is super hard. Really, really, hard. I was recently asked by a mother of 2 year old twins what I felt was the toughest age. My answer to her was whatever age you are in at the moment. And I still feel that was a good answer. But this late teens/early twenties thing is rough. Apparently I "meddle" and "interfere". I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I don't think my kids have any idea what those words really mean. But my closing thoughts are this... whenever you may feel like your parents are meddling or interfering stop for a moment and consider their motivation. Lets say they are suggesting or encouraging you to maybe choose something as a major. Why do you think they would do that? What's in it for them? Do you think they get some kind of bonus from the school if you choose that major? Do you think the dean will buy them donuts or something? It's much more likely that they have some life perspective and maybe they love you and want what's best for you!!! Seriously. It's not rocket science kiddos. Why do you all (and I suffered from it as well) think that you are sooo different and the adults in your life just don't get it? Even if that were the case... let's go back to their motivation. Why would they even care?
Ok... stepping off my soapbox. I need to go eat some dinner.
One of those moments when your kids seem to forget that we have feelings, feelings that get hurt too. I saw a post on Facebook today that pretty much summed it up...
1. And you still do. Actually more now. The very first time I cried from a mixture of fear and excitement. I don't recall crying in labor but I know some do and I don't blame them. I do remember crying from sleep deprivation. I cried when you got your shots. I cried when your bus left for kindergarten. I cried when your friends were mean to you. I cried when you won league in water polo and went crazy with your team. I cried during your cheer performances. I cried during every Primary program. I cried when you'd call me late at night for a no questions asked ride home. I cried when you spent 4 days in "juvy". I cried when you moved in with your dad. I cried just the other day when I got your text saying "I love you mom and hope you are having a good day."
2. And because I'm not always selfless sometimes I took that piece of pie. But more often I gave it to you.
3. It really did. But it was worth it.
4. Always. I still am. Mostly afraid I'm going to mess it all up. I don't have an instruction book.
5. Farrrr from it.
6. Sometimes even stole a kiss. I still do when I'm lucky enough to have you fall asleep in my bed.
7. Yep.
8. Even worse now.
9. Try to.
10. Yep.
To wrap this up I have something to say about motivation. I am entering a phase of motherhood that is super hard. Really, really, hard. I was recently asked by a mother of 2 year old twins what I felt was the toughest age. My answer to her was whatever age you are in at the moment. And I still feel that was a good answer. But this late teens/early twenties thing is rough. Apparently I "meddle" and "interfere". I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I don't think my kids have any idea what those words really mean. But my closing thoughts are this... whenever you may feel like your parents are meddling or interfering stop for a moment and consider their motivation. Lets say they are suggesting or encouraging you to maybe choose something as a major. Why do you think they would do that? What's in it for them? Do you think they get some kind of bonus from the school if you choose that major? Do you think the dean will buy them donuts or something? It's much more likely that they have some life perspective and maybe they love you and want what's best for you!!! Seriously. It's not rocket science kiddos. Why do you all (and I suffered from it as well) think that you are sooo different and the adults in your life just don't get it? Even if that were the case... let's go back to their motivation. Why would they even care?
Ok... stepping off my soapbox. I need to go eat some dinner.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I have A.D.D.
That may not be news to some of you. I have A.D.D. It's not news to me either. One of the fancy new doctors I see for my fibromyalgia recently re-diagnosed me. And as I am sitting here trying to force myself to focus on my to do list it is painfully obvious.
Man I'm tired I wonder if David is still thinking about coming home early I wish I could just sit down and write my book I wonder if the babies feel like Face-timing I wonder if Molly feels like Face-timing I wonder if Hunter is liking his classes I wonder if Amy's interview went ok at least I don't have to feel like I should be cleaning something since David was sweet enough to hire some cleaners oh jeez should I really go back to school can't I just get an honorary degree or something ugh I know I'm going to have to go out for court and that is going to bug David I hope Sara is feeling better I hope Becca is doing ok I wish my kids would understand what I try to tell them....
Ok...I won't keep going although I could. FOCUS Shelly.
Let's get back to sharing my favorites. It's easy. I thought I'd try this new lip balm and it's the bee's knees. Pun intended.
Man I'm tired I wonder if David is still thinking about coming home early I wish I could just sit down and write my book I wonder if the babies feel like Face-timing I wonder if Molly feels like Face-timing I wonder if Hunter is liking his classes I wonder if Amy's interview went ok at least I don't have to feel like I should be cleaning something since David was sweet enough to hire some cleaners oh jeez should I really go back to school can't I just get an honorary degree or something ugh I know I'm going to have to go out for court and that is going to bug David I hope Sara is feeling better I hope Becca is doing ok I wish my kids would understand what I try to tell them....
Ok...I won't keep going although I could. FOCUS Shelly.
Let's get back to sharing my favorites. It's easy. I thought I'd try this new lip balm and it's the bee's knees. Pun intended.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Mixed emotions
This is not a blog about same sex marriage. Well at least that isn't my intention.
Not only do I have mixed emotions right now but I have LOTS of them. So bear with me....
If you know me you know I love my kiddos. Like REALLY love them. I also really LIKE them. They are fantastically amazing human beings that bring beauty and joy to this world but especially to me.
I know it's a natural mothering reaction to want to kill anyone that hurts our babies. It's simply the mama bear, mama lion, whatever you want to call it instinct. If you are a mother you are nodding your head right about now because you know. And if you have ever witnessed it, I hope it wasn't on the receiving end. What you all may not know is that - at least for me - this instinct goes both ways. Meaning, when someone is kind and loving towards one of my babies my heart melts and I have an instinctual love for them. (usually)
I could make a list of the humans that have been on the receiving end of this mama bear love, and I just may do that someday. But today I am thinking about a couple of dear souls that entered my Sara's life about a year ago.
This could become a big or little box story (only my kids will get that) so I will try to not make this too long of a story.
Sara started a new job and after her first day of training I asked her if she made any friends. She said that this gorgeous girl walked into class and Sara was sure they would either be best friends or enemies. (most women will understand that feeling) I don't recall if it was that same day but very soon Sara said something like "I found out she is a lesbian so there is no competition issue so we are going to be best friends." Sara soon met Jess's fiance, Jamie, who also worked there and they all became fast friends.
Cut to the controversial stuff---- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. And I believe that same sex attraction is a challenge for all involved. I do not believe that the attraction is a sin but acting on it is because I do believe that sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. THAT BEING SAID.... I have sinned. In more ways than just this. And I know my neighbor has in some form or another. And my family all has. We are not on this earth to be perfect, but we are supposed to try. But we are a world full of sinners. Period. And it is not my place to judge what should happen to any of us that sin. What it boils down to for me is this... I thank heavens that I don't have to agree with everything a person says, does, or believes in order to LOVE them. If I did, I would have a very lonely life.
I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends. People that I sincerely love and choose to have in my life. I could be wrong but I don't think anything I say here will come as a surprise to any of them. I'm not generally known as someone that keeps my feelings to myself.
And let me address this concept. I am a "good" Mormon. That discussion gets thrown about a lot. "But you're not a 'good" Mormon, Shelly." Yep. I am. Garment clad. Temple recommend holding. I am what would be considered "good" by any standard. Sadly what usually comes next is "Ok... but you aren't one of 'those' Mormons." When I dared to ask what "those" Mormons are I was told... judgmental. Hateful. Just all kinds of shades of judgey. Ok... you are right. I am not one of THOSE. But neither are a whole lot of the rest of 'them". This is sincerely a situation where a few rotten apples have spoiled the bunch. But I am not hear to speak for the bunch. That isn't my place. I will direct you to check the website www.lds.org for the OFFICIAL stance on this and other issues. If individual members of the Church choose to interpret or live differently, it is their life to live.
This brings me to a HOT topic I may address more fully at another time. Same sex marriage.
Cut back to Jess and Jamie. These girls love my daughter and bring happiness to her life. So guess what? I LOVE THEM. And that means I hope they are happy. (Refer back to my comment about not needing to agree with a person's choices in order to love them)
Jess and Jamie are not the couple I taught my children about when I taught them about temple marriage. But they have taught my children something. They have shown us all a great example of love. And so when they were married this past weekend, we were there to celebrate with them. We cried when Jess walked down the aisle. We cried during their first dance. (Ok...Hunter didn't... but us girls were BAWLING) We brought a gift. We danced with them at the reception. And we congratulated them with hugs and kisses. Because we love them. Period. It's really simple actually.
I made the choice several weeks ago to not post photos and make a big deal of this 'good' Mormon lady attending a same sex wedding because it wasn't about me. It was their time. And I knew that I'd have comments. I knew it would become something I didn't want it to be.
I awoke this morning to news about the court's ruling, or lack thereof, which means that the legal part of Jess and Jamie's union is just that. Legal. So there are the mixed emotions. I am happy for them. Period. Does it change my own belief about same sex marriages. Nope. And I am happy to explain that to anyone that doesn't get it. And perhaps write about it at a future date. But today I am grateful that the maid of honor Sara gets a chance to rest. And hope that my extra daughters Jess & Jamie are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon.
We would all be lucky to find love like theirs.
My favorite thing in this post will be some of my favorite moments from the wedding.
Not only do I have mixed emotions right now but I have LOTS of them. So bear with me....
If you know me you know I love my kiddos. Like REALLY love them. I also really LIKE them. They are fantastically amazing human beings that bring beauty and joy to this world but especially to me.
I know it's a natural mothering reaction to want to kill anyone that hurts our babies. It's simply the mama bear, mama lion, whatever you want to call it instinct. If you are a mother you are nodding your head right about now because you know. And if you have ever witnessed it, I hope it wasn't on the receiving end. What you all may not know is that - at least for me - this instinct goes both ways. Meaning, when someone is kind and loving towards one of my babies my heart melts and I have an instinctual love for them. (usually)
I could make a list of the humans that have been on the receiving end of this mama bear love, and I just may do that someday. But today I am thinking about a couple of dear souls that entered my Sara's life about a year ago.
This could become a big or little box story (only my kids will get that) so I will try to not make this too long of a story.
Sara started a new job and after her first day of training I asked her if she made any friends. She said that this gorgeous girl walked into class and Sara was sure they would either be best friends or enemies. (most women will understand that feeling) I don't recall if it was that same day but very soon Sara said something like "I found out she is a lesbian so there is no competition issue so we are going to be best friends." Sara soon met Jess's fiance, Jamie, who also worked there and they all became fast friends.
Cut to the controversial stuff---- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. And I believe that same sex attraction is a challenge for all involved. I do not believe that the attraction is a sin but acting on it is because I do believe that sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. THAT BEING SAID.... I have sinned. In more ways than just this. And I know my neighbor has in some form or another. And my family all has. We are not on this earth to be perfect, but we are supposed to try. But we are a world full of sinners. Period. And it is not my place to judge what should happen to any of us that sin. What it boils down to for me is this... I thank heavens that I don't have to agree with everything a person says, does, or believes in order to LOVE them. If I did, I would have a very lonely life.
I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends. People that I sincerely love and choose to have in my life. I could be wrong but I don't think anything I say here will come as a surprise to any of them. I'm not generally known as someone that keeps my feelings to myself.
And let me address this concept. I am a "good" Mormon. That discussion gets thrown about a lot. "But you're not a 'good" Mormon, Shelly." Yep. I am. Garment clad. Temple recommend holding. I am what would be considered "good" by any standard. Sadly what usually comes next is "Ok... but you aren't one of 'those' Mormons." When I dared to ask what "those" Mormons are I was told... judgmental. Hateful. Just all kinds of shades of judgey. Ok... you are right. I am not one of THOSE. But neither are a whole lot of the rest of 'them". This is sincerely a situation where a few rotten apples have spoiled the bunch. But I am not hear to speak for the bunch. That isn't my place. I will direct you to check the website www.lds.org for the OFFICIAL stance on this and other issues. If individual members of the Church choose to interpret or live differently, it is their life to live.
This brings me to a HOT topic I may address more fully at another time. Same sex marriage.
Cut back to Jess and Jamie. These girls love my daughter and bring happiness to her life. So guess what? I LOVE THEM. And that means I hope they are happy. (Refer back to my comment about not needing to agree with a person's choices in order to love them)
Jess and Jamie are not the couple I taught my children about when I taught them about temple marriage. But they have taught my children something. They have shown us all a great example of love. And so when they were married this past weekend, we were there to celebrate with them. We cried when Jess walked down the aisle. We cried during their first dance. (Ok...Hunter didn't... but us girls were BAWLING) We brought a gift. We danced with them at the reception. And we congratulated them with hugs and kisses. Because we love them. Period. It's really simple actually.
I made the choice several weeks ago to not post photos and make a big deal of this 'good' Mormon lady attending a same sex wedding because it wasn't about me. It was their time. And I knew that I'd have comments. I knew it would become something I didn't want it to be.
I awoke this morning to news about the court's ruling, or lack thereof, which means that the legal part of Jess and Jamie's union is just that. Legal. So there are the mixed emotions. I am happy for them. Period. Does it change my own belief about same sex marriages. Nope. And I am happy to explain that to anyone that doesn't get it. And perhaps write about it at a future date. But today I am grateful that the maid of honor Sara gets a chance to rest. And hope that my extra daughters Jess & Jamie are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon.
We would all be lucky to find love like theirs.
My favorite thing in this post will be some of my favorite moments from the wedding.
Friday, September 12, 2014
I wasn't going to write but....
Ugh.
When I started this blog I imagined writing in it AT LEAST once per week. Hahaha.... pretty laughable.
It pops up on my to do list every week. But like many other tasks on that list I gently just move it to another day.
When I saw it this week I thought to myself, heck.... I am toooverwhelmed stressed bummed tired.... excuses, excuses. Then I told myself that since I would be hard pressed to find something positive to share with my "masses" I shouldn't write anything. Yet here I am. Should I list all the things that are overwhelming, stressing, bumming, and exhausting me? Probably not. Should I go downstairs and fix myself a brownie with ice cream and chocolate syrup and whipped cream? Also probably not.
I think I'll go hug my baby girl and then go sit in my sun room and watch for birds to enjoy my new bird feeder.
When I started this blog I imagined writing in it AT LEAST once per week. Hahaha.... pretty laughable.
It pops up on my to do list every week. But like many other tasks on that list I gently just move it to another day.
When I saw it this week I thought to myself, heck.... I am too
I think I'll go hug my baby girl and then go sit in my sun room and watch for birds to enjoy my new bird feeder.
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