"Somebody That I Used To Know"

A few weeks ago I discovered this song by playing the "Popular" songs on Grooveshark.com.  It sounded very "emo" so I started to skip it then somehow got hooked by the chorus. Then I listened to the lyrics and wanted to say "wow... how did you know my life?"  I posted it once on Facebook with a comment that it made me think of my ex-husband and got a couple of responses of "WHICH ex?"  Bahahahahaha... not really funny, but kind of. 

Anyway, I was just listening to it again after one of my music idols MARK HOPPUS posted it and claims to be addicted as well.  So I decided to use MY blog to vent MY feelings about Somebody That I Used to Know.

You have been warned. If you don't want gory details then turn away now. (I cannot get the font colors to cooperate...my apologies)

"Somebody That I Used To Know"
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die (yep...he did)
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember  (yessss...I felt more alone when I was married to him than I do now that I am actually alone)
 
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness   (wow..hadn't thought of it in these words until now)
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends  (he SWORE we'd even hug when greeting each other)
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over   (the relief was overwhelming)

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing   (ask him ...or his wife... now. You'd think we barely new each other)
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough  (TOTALLY flippin' ignores me even if I speak to him- won't even be in the same room with me if he can avoid it)
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number (well...he did change his number but I am not "allowed" to call him anyway. Only email which SHE answers)
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know (but thanks...it made it easy to move on. The man I married and had children with no longer exists.)

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done  (O M G... every single time. Just ask my BFF about the daily calls asking her if I was crazy)
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know (Bahahahahahaha now THAT is hilariously ironic)

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

Yep. But he tells me to "move on". I've been told I talk of him too much. It's tough. We were married for EIGHTEEN years! But it's true. I do talk about him more than I should. The drama that continues keeps him in my thoughts. Sharing four children that speak of him all the time makes it rough.  But one of my goals is to keep working on that. Our thoughts determine our lives. So my energy would be better spent elsewhere.  

My favorite? This song...

"Me" day

I spent the day at the zoo.  It was nice.  It was some good alone time to think.  Some things on my mind these days (in no particular order)-

My relationship with David. Has there been too much damage to fix it? The next relationship I have will be the last. I can't stand another end. So this has to be for good.

O M G... Sara is graduating in a few months. GRADUATING.

Molly hates me. She is in a place where all she remembers is every bad thing I've ever done. So we don't talk. And I don't see her. Or her babies. My heart physically aches. Period. And I have no idea what to do.

My job is fun. And I would be extremely excited about it. But I am scared to death. I was hired to replace someone that "wasn't working out". The pressure is enormous.

I should go to the Temple more often. For that matter my whole life needs some structure. But back to the Temple. When I went last week and pondered fervently on these issues that weigh on my heart the answer I got? Work on YOU Shelly. Be the best you you can be and the good will come. 

And now for my favorite. My favorite animal(s) at the zoo, Sea World, wherever I can find them. My kids claim I sit and watch them for "hours" so today I timed myself. 47 minutes watching the polar bear.

Day off

Ok...so let's be honest. I've been "off" for several weeks now. BUT I started a new opportunity yesterday and then didn't have to work today so it is still a day off.  I've been cleaning, paying bills, reconciling my checkbook, all kinds of fun stuff.

I am due for another introduction.  I am never quite sure what order to go in but I've decided today to introduce you to my children's dad.  Mostly because I want to get it done. And some days I feel worse about him than others. Wouldn't be fair to post on one of the bad days.  So let me introduce you to Matthew Crabtree-----

Because I made a commitment in the beginning to this being an open and honest blog I am going to tell the real version-- not the watered down one I typically share.

I should start with my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. It sounded like a fun idea so I said yes. Oh to be 18 and live day by day. I don't recall giving much thought to a life together. But the wedding sounded like a fun idea. And being a wife and mom was my life long dream so this made sense. We both graduated in June, he left for boot camp in October, came home briefly in February to get married, then left soon after for a year in Okinawa. So once things settled down and reality hit me I had one of the biggest "whoops" moments of my life. We talked on the phone and sort of agreed that we had made a mistake and decided we would "separate" even though we were already geographically separated.  So I started living like a single 19 year old. I visited my friends in college. And I went out to clubs with my friends in town.

One of those nights at a club a young man caught my eye. I will spare you the gruesome details of me figuring out how to meet him and just fast forward to later that night when we danced and talked. I gave him my phone number but considering his level of intoxication I figured it was over when we left that night.  When I was at work the next day my friend and sometimes roommate called me and said "that guy from lastnight called! He wants you to meet him at the club again tonight!"  Again, sparing some details, we fell hard. He was actually stationed at Lowry AFB though and was due to leave that very week! He decided to take a week of leave so we could spend some time together.  After he transferred to Camp Pendleton I visited him for a week.  Then I had a slap in the face from reality when it was time for my "husband" to come back and we needed to tie up those loose ends.  He ended up being less than cooperative so things did not exactly go smoothly.  However, a few months later I found myself MOVING to California to live near Matt.  He was a young Marine and not allowed to live anywhere other than the barracks at the time so we definitely struggled financially. When we got married I was working full time at a bank, part time at a bridal shop (a strategic move), and trying to take some college classes.  We planned to get married in August of 1989 but we woke up on Memorial Day of that year and started talking about how much more money he would be making after we got married due to the housing allowances and such.  So we decided to hop in the car and drive to VEGAS.  We didn't tell anyone and still had our wedding in August. And then we got married in the LDS Temple in September of 1991 (I will get to that later)---- but considering we were married THREE times you would think it would have stuck, huh?

A requirement of getting married on a Marine base is fulfilling a 3 day workshop on marriage.  As part of that a Chaplain came to discuss religion.  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints but I was not "active" at the time. Matt had been a Jehovah's Witness as a small child then attended a baptist church as he got older. At that time he said he was leaning towards more "scientific" beliefs.  The Chaplain explained to us that it was not necessary that married people share the same religion but that it is vital that they agree on what they will teach their children.  This opened up several conversations between us.  One day we were visiting the Mormon Battalion Museum in San Diego.  I shared with one of the missionaries that Matt was due to go over to the Gulf for Operation Desert Storm soon.  She offered to have her husband give Matt a blessing and he agreed.  After the blessing the missionaries asked if they could have some missionaries in our area visit us and much to my surprise Matt agreed to that as well!  Then after a few meetings with our local missionaries Matt decided he wanted to be baptized. I was shocked to say the least.  But he was baptized and worked hard to study and stay active while he was in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for 6 months.  Soon after he returned we starting preparing to go to the Temple. During this time we found out we were expecting our first child! We were very excited for all of the joyful things ahead of us.

Let me start out by saying Matt has always been one of those people that is larger than life. Everyone that meets him loves him. He is funny. He is intelligent. And he is good looking.  We seemed to be a close to perfect couple and family. We had our ups and downs like everyone does. And in all fairness I will admit that I am a fairly emotional person. Which translated into some "passionate" arguing. But overall things were good.  However, I always felt like anything that went wrong was my fault. And Matt has always been generous with criticism.  I still felt like the good far outweighed the bad.  Even when Matt would occasionally make close female friends. This habit seemed to begin very innocently. I recall one in the early days - a girl he worked with, that he went out country dancing with a few times so he could learn how to dance and then take me dancing.  Then there was one that was slightly less innocent, a gal that had literally told me that she could and would take Matt away from me if she wanted to. Believe it or not, Matt had been her home teacher. She got divorced and one day Matt went to lunch with her. He told me about it a week later and admitted to "wanting to upset" me but didn't have a clear reason why.  It isn't out of spite that I say that I could go on for quite some time talking about his various "friends".  I will talk about only two more.  One was definitely the most damaging to my psyche. It was my BFF. But it was all very odd. Let me start by saying that she would NEVER betray her husband or me. But we were all very good friends so one night when Matt said --in front of her husband and I--- that he needed to talk to her and would stop by soon, we didn't think it too odd. I honestly thought he was probably planning to buy me something and wanted her opinion. But from what I've been told when he went over there he told her that he was in love with someone else and wanted her opinion on what he should do. She told him to definitely get that out of his mind and go home to me.  But after that night he started acting very oddly. And finally one day when I was telling her how crazy it was making me she told me about the conversation. When I confronted him he claimed it was a girl he had met in class but I had this odd feeling that it was actually my BFF. For years that effected my relationship with her and it forever changed our relationship as couples.

Somehow we got through that. I will skip over a few more rocky spots. And then we come to April of 2007. I shared with Matt one night that I was still having a hard time believing he loved me and wanted our marriage. He held my hands in his, looked me in the eye, and said "You will just have to trust me."  So I decided I would need to do just that.  Things were going pretty good really. He had a good job, although he had to be in LA Monday- Thursday each week.  But he seemed strong in the Church, giving lessons, talks, and sharing his testimony often.  And I was busy with our four active children who were now 9, 11, 13, and 15 and homeschooling.

Matt's 20 year high school class reunion was scheduled in June of that year. He was active in helping plan it and often talking to fellow classmates.  We were due for a family vacation so we planned a long 3 week trip to Missouri for the reunion but we would also be fitting in plenty of family time there as well as a stop in Colorado to see that part of our family. The kids were counting down the days!  About a week before our departure Matt came to me and said that he had some concerns about us taking the trip. He said he was concerned about finances although we had already worked all of that out and had planned well.  However, he insisted we not ignore his feeling so we cancelled the trip.  The kids were devastated! I didn't want him to miss his reunion though so I insisted he fly out by himself and attend the reunion.  I was not aware that he had another of his "friendships" with a former classmate.  So it does seem ironic now that I practically forced him to go.  As soon as he returned my intuition was going crazy. Not to mention the rumors that were flying amongst the other class members in attendance. Many of which I had become friends with over the years.  Just a few days after his return we had a trip to Sam's Club where he decided to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.  I don't think I believed it at first. We had been down this road before. But this time was different and that was soon very apparent.  Fast forward to today and we are divorced and he is married to his former classmate.

Although I've already aired plenty of our laundry here that was not my main intention.  I wanted to paint a picture of a integral character in my life.  One more thing relating to our relationship though.  During the divorce process I asked Matt to see yet another counselor but with the purpose of simply helping get our children through the process.  We met with Dr. Craig Horton in what has become an experience that literally changed my life.  After meeting with us together once and with Matt alone once we had an appointment set up that Matt could not (would not?) come to.  I sat down and Dr. Horton said to me "You are married to a compulsive liar and a narcissist."  He said that he had not had enough time to officially diagnose anything but wanted me to research "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and then come talk to him again.  The first thing I came across online was the work of Dr. Sam Vaknin. As I read the stories from people in relationships with people with NPD I broke down sobbing. I couldn't wait to see Dr. Horton again and share with him that he had given me back some of my sanity. The stories I read were as if they were from my own life.  I don't want to bore anyone reading this but feel free to do your own research. As with any disorder, not every single aspect fits Matt, but enough that it helped me understand so much of our life.

Our divorce and life since has been an enormous challenge.  But we have many wonderful memories. And I make a point of thinking of the good things about Matt. More than anything else I am grateful to him for sharing in the making of our four amazing children.  I cannot imagine life without them. And without Matt they would not be here.

I have obviously skipped over several things but I'm glad I got this done. Now to figure out who will be next.

And my favorite thing today is---- The Temple.  I am going tomorrow for a much needed visit. And without the Temple my family would not be a Forever Family!

ugh

I'm cranky. So hey... why not post a blog?

Seriously. Seriously?

My dilemma is, do I vent here? Who even reads this? My opening post said I wasn't going to hold back but now I am so unsure.

How can something... let's say being a mom... be simultaneously the most rewarding and the most painful experience?  Why is it that one or more of my children say I am amazing on the same day another writes me off forever?  Man, I am the first to admit I have made GINORMOUS parenting mistakes. But cut me some slack? Give me some credit for effort?  Maybe focus on the good stuff--- I'm pretty sure there was good stuff.  I remember good stuff.  And I know I love them all more than life itself.

More on that love thing.  So... I met someone almost 24 years ago and fell deeply in love. We were married for 18 years. EIGHTEEN YEARS. He drove me crazy. Sometimes with laughter. Sometimes with tears. But he did give me those four amazing beings mentioned in the above paragraph. Four people that would not be who they are today had anything in our lives been different.  There came a time that he moved on to something someone else. And that is a topic for another time. But my heart was broken. Smashed. Obliterated. However, I love love. I have a lot to give. And I am not a passive gal. So I processed the hurt and was ready to move on.  Fast forward through a bunch of crap and some stupid mistakes. I met someone else. Someone completely different than the first. But I was instantly intrigued. And despite some issues I was ready to jump in with both feet. Interestingly, I found myself married again, but now divorced again. But it is very different. I love him. And not many people will understand this but that love is why I divorced him. But that too is a story for another day. Fast forward a few months. I still love him. And things are changing. So I want us back. And he wants us back. But we need to do it "right". Tough thing is... I am soooooo not good with patience. I know where I want to be. So I want to just be there. Yesterday.

Third "ugh"- SCHOOL. I have a love/hate relationship. Right now I am taking "Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences"--- so it is pure hate.

And--- money. There is never enough. Seen the movie "In Time"? Wow. I can so relate. I feel like I am wasting my life away waiting for the next money to pay the bills that are piling up. And I am tired.

I think that will do for now.

My favorite thing?  As mentioned previously----- my precious ducklings.

Yay me!

In all fairness----- this has been a rough week or so.  So the fact that I am blogging again after only a couple of days means, to me, that I deserve a pat on the back.

If I follow my original plan I am due to "introduce" another player in the game of Shelly's life. I had to go back and read my posts to remember who I have already mentioned. Based on that it would make sense to now introduce my father.  This should be easy---- I barely knew him.

I grew up without a father.  I had my amazing Grampa. A close to perfect Uncle. And several other fantastic family members and friends that filled the shoes not filled by a father. But still. I always wondered. I found my birth certificate when I was quite young and saw that his name was Terry Lee Mead. That was all I would know about him for years.  Once when I was little, I asked my Gramma about him. She said "He died in the war." So for much of my childhood I was convinced that Hogan from "Hogan's Heroes" was obviously my dad. Then as I got a bit older I would be excited anytime a new phone book was delivered---- this was obviously pre-internet times---- because I could look for his name.  Apparently he was "unlisted".

When my mom was nearing her death I realized that I should just ask her about him. It may seem odd to some that I had never done that before.  I adored my mom, but we didn't talk about things like that. So sitting on the couch one night I asked her to tell me about my dad.  She replied "He left."  I tried to press her and she said "That's it. He left." 

Fast forward to me as an adult, talking with one of my aunts one evening.  I mentioned that with this fancy, new fangled invention called the internet I might be able to get somewhere in the search for my father. I hadn't ever tried too hard but I had just had a baby and realized how good it would be to know the other 50% of my health history. My aunt got emotional and shared that she had known my dad.  She and my mom were friends when my mom and dad met so she was there for the whole story. However, she had promised my mom she wouldn't tell anyone. And she didn't.  Her information didn't really help me find him but it was still nice to hear something about him.  I did find out a pivotal piece of the story.  My mom had actually never even told my dad that she was pregnant.  So any abandonment I may have felt was unwarranted. How can you abandon someone you are not even aware of?

I posted a message on a site that was primarily for assisting adopted children in finding their birth parents. Literally within an hour I got a message back saying "Try this" and included an address and phone number. I read it and got up and walked away. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the information.  I can't even describe what I felt. But my husband decided he would try calling the number. I couldn't even sit in the same room when he called. When he told him "I think my wife might be your daughter" I believe the response was something like "well, that is entirely possible considering the way I lived my life".  After exchanging names, dates, and finally some photos it was confirmed.  My dad had been found.

We were then living on Camp Pendleton but were planning to soon move back to Denver because my husband was getting out of the Marine Corps. So for the next several weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls. My dad sent me flowers on the first birthday of my daughter.  When we finally got back to Denver we set up a meeting.  We met for dinner with my dad and some of his friends.  It was completely surreal.  You meet someone that is really a total stranger and yet at the same time they are one of your closest relatives. I was in a daze for most of the dinner. 

My dad was living alone after a bitter divorce several years prior.  And he had lost his mother to heart disease due to a drinking problem.  So he was lonely and more then ready for a father/daughter relationship.  I was not so ready.  I needed some time to let it all sink in.  We kept in touch.  That was in May of 1993.  One morning in January I got a call from my dad's sister informing me that he had died of a drug overdose.

I was sad. I was mad. But I was definitely glad I had found him.  I went to his funeral and met "family" but have not really kept in touch. However, through all of this I did find out that he had another daughter--- a HALF SISTER! More on that will come in future postings. :-)

So, that is the story of my dad.

Now it is time for homework (Stats---which is why I am putting it off) but I need to end with a favorite thing.  I'm going to keep it simple...

Feelings

Welcome back to blogging Shelly.  What a loser.


Feelings.
I'm not talking about the song. I'm talking about the little things that run around, dance, and sometimes camp out in my head. I have often been told I am optimistic. Happy. A glass half full kind of gal. RIGHT NOW I am not feeling that. Dare I make a list of what I am feeling? (These are in no specific order.)

Alone.
Vulnerable.
Hurt.
Anxious.
Worried.
Weary.
Inferior.
Unsure.
Ashamed.
Bitter.
Insulted.
Impulsive.
Determined.
Brave.
Challenged.
Devoted.
Blessed.
Thankful.


Tomorrow is the Sabbath. As a friend said "I love Sundays. It's the day where, like it or not, I grow closest to God."  I agree. And I need Him.

My favorite thing today?

Bear with me...you'll see....I bounce back quickly. I've just had a few hits I need to recover from.