I am due for another introduction. I am never quite sure what order to go in but I've decided today to introduce you to my children's dad. Mostly because I want to get it done. And some days I feel worse about him than others. Wouldn't be fair to post on one of the bad days. So let me introduce you to Matthew Crabtree-----
Because I made a commitment in the beginning to this being an open and honest blog I am going to tell the real version-- not the watered down one I typically share.
I should start with my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. It sounded like a fun idea so I said yes. Oh to be 18 and live day by day. I don't recall giving much thought to a life together. But the wedding sounded like a fun idea. And being a wife and mom was my life long dream so this made sense. We both graduated in June, he left for boot camp in October, came home briefly in February to get married, then left soon after for a year in Okinawa. So once things settled down and reality hit me I had one of the biggest "whoops" moments of my life. We talked on the phone and sort of agreed that we had made a mistake and decided we would "separate" even though we were already geographically separated. So I started living like a single 19 year old. I visited my friends in college. And I went out to clubs with my friends in town.
One of those nights at a club a young man caught my eye. I will spare you the gruesome details of me figuring out how to meet him and just fast forward to later that night when we danced and talked. I gave him my phone number but considering his level of intoxication I figured it was over when we left that night. When I was at work the next day my friend and sometimes roommate called me and said "that guy from lastnight called! He wants you to meet him at the club again tonight!" Again, sparing some details, we fell hard. He was actually stationed at Lowry AFB though and was due to leave that very week! He decided to take a week of leave so we could spend some time together. After he transferred to Camp Pendleton I visited him for a week. Then I had a slap in the face from reality when it was time for my "husband" to come back and we needed to tie up those loose ends. He ended up being less than cooperative so things did not exactly go smoothly. However, a few months later I found myself MOVING to California to live near Matt. He was a young Marine and not allowed to live anywhere other than the barracks at the time so we definitely struggled financially. When we got married I was working full time at a bank, part time at a bridal shop (a strategic move), and trying to take some college classes. We planned to get married in August of 1989 but we woke up on Memorial Day of that year and started talking about how much more money he would be making after we got married due to the housing allowances and such. So we decided to hop in the car and drive to VEGAS. We didn't tell anyone and still had our wedding in August. And then we got married in the LDS Temple in September of 1991 (I will get to that later)---- but considering we were married THREE times you would think it would have stuck, huh?
A requirement of getting married on a Marine base is fulfilling a 3 day workshop on marriage. As part of that a Chaplain came to discuss religion. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints but I was not "active" at the time. Matt had been a Jehovah's Witness as a small child then attended a baptist church as he got older. At that time he said he was leaning towards more "scientific" beliefs. The Chaplain explained to us that it was not necessary that married people share the same religion but that it is vital that they agree on what they will teach their children. This opened up several conversations between us. One day we were visiting the Mormon Battalion Museum in San Diego. I shared with one of the missionaries that Matt was due to go over to the Gulf for Operation Desert Storm soon. She offered to have her husband give Matt a blessing and he agreed. After the blessing the missionaries asked if they could have some missionaries in our area visit us and much to my surprise Matt agreed to that as well! Then after a few meetings with our local missionaries Matt decided he wanted to be baptized. I was shocked to say the least. But he was baptized and worked hard to study and stay active while he was in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for 6 months. Soon after he returned we starting preparing to go to the Temple. During this time we found out we were expecting our first child! We were very excited for all of the joyful things ahead of us.
Let me start out by saying Matt has always been one of those people that is larger than life. Everyone that meets him loves him. He is funny. He is intelligent. And he is good looking. We seemed to be a close to perfect couple and family. We had our ups and downs like everyone does. And in all fairness I will admit that I am a fairly emotional person. Which translated into some "passionate" arguing. But overall things were good. However, I always felt like anything that went wrong was my fault. And Matt has always been generous with criticism. I still felt like the good far outweighed the bad. Even when Matt would occasionally make close female friends. This habit seemed to begin very innocently. I recall one in the early days - a girl he worked with, that he went out country dancing with a few times so he could learn how to dance and then take me dancing. Then there was one that was slightly less innocent, a gal that had literally told me that she could and would take Matt away from me if she wanted to. Believe it or not, Matt had been her home teacher. She got divorced and one day Matt went to lunch with her. He told me about it a week later and admitted to "wanting to upset" me but didn't have a clear reason why. It isn't out of spite that I say that I could go on for quite some time talking about his various "friends". I will talk about only two more. One was definitely the most damaging to my psyche. It was my BFF. But it was all very odd. Let me start by saying that she would NEVER betray her husband or me. But we were all very good friends so one night when Matt said --in front of her husband and I--- that he needed to talk to her and would stop by soon, we didn't think it too odd. I honestly thought he was probably planning to buy me something and wanted her opinion. But from what I've been told when he went over there he told her that he was in love with someone else and wanted her opinion on what he should do. She told him to definitely get that out of his mind and go home to me. But after that night he started acting very oddly. And finally one day when I was telling her how crazy it was making me she told me about the conversation. When I confronted him he claimed it was a girl he had met in class but I had this odd feeling that it was actually my BFF. For years that effected my relationship with her and it forever changed our relationship as couples.
Somehow we got through that. I will skip over a few more rocky spots. And then we come to April of 2007. I shared with Matt one night that I was still having a hard time believing he loved me and wanted our marriage. He held my hands in his, looked me in the eye, and said "You will just have to trust me." So I decided I would need to do just that. Things were going pretty good really. He had a good job, although he had to be in LA Monday- Thursday each week. But he seemed strong in the Church, giving lessons, talks, and sharing his testimony often. And I was busy with our four active children who were now 9, 11, 13, and 15 and homeschooling.
Matt's 20 year high school class reunion was scheduled in June of that year. He was active in helping plan it and often talking to fellow classmates. We were due for a family vacation so we planned a long 3 week trip to Missouri for the reunion but we would also be fitting in plenty of family time there as well as a stop in Colorado to see that part of our family. The kids were counting down the days! About a week before our departure Matt came to me and said that he had some concerns about us taking the trip. He said he was concerned about finances although we had already worked all of that out and had planned well. However, he insisted we not ignore his feeling so we cancelled the trip. The kids were devastated! I didn't want him to miss his reunion though so I insisted he fly out by himself and attend the reunion. I was not aware that he had another of his "friendships" with a former classmate. So it does seem ironic now that I practically forced him to go. As soon as he returned my intuition was going crazy. Not to mention the rumors that were flying amongst the other class members in attendance. Many of which I had become friends with over the years. Just a few days after his return we had a trip to Sam's Club where he decided to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I don't think I believed it at first. We had been down this road before. But this time was different and that was soon very apparent. Fast forward to today and we are divorced and he is married to his former classmate.
Although I've already aired plenty of our laundry here that was not my main intention. I wanted to paint a picture of a integral character in my life. One more thing relating to our relationship though. During the divorce process I asked Matt to see yet another counselor but with the purpose of simply helping get our children through the process. We met with Dr. Craig Horton in what has become an experience that literally changed my life. After meeting with us together once and with Matt alone once we had an appointment set up that Matt could not (would not?) come to. I sat down and Dr. Horton said to me "You are married to a compulsive liar and a narcissist." He said that he had not had enough time to officially diagnose anything but wanted me to research "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and then come talk to him again. The first thing I came across online was the work of Dr. Sam Vaknin. As I read the stories from people in relationships with people with NPD I broke down sobbing. I couldn't wait to see Dr. Horton again and share with him that he had given me back some of my sanity. The stories I read were as if they were from my own life. I don't want to bore anyone reading this but feel free to do your own research. As with any disorder, not every single aspect fits Matt, but enough that it helped me understand so much of our life.
Our divorce and life since has been an enormous challenge. But we have many wonderful memories. And I make a point of thinking of the good things about Matt. More than anything else I am grateful to him for sharing in the making of our four amazing children. I cannot imagine life without them. And without Matt they would not be here.
I have obviously skipped over several things but I'm glad I got this done. Now to figure out who will be next.
And my favorite thing today is---- The Temple. I am going tomorrow for a much needed visit. And without the Temple my family would not be a Forever Family!
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