I just found this unpublished blog from a few weeks ago. I'm in a very different mind-frame today so I will just publish it as is.
It's been a rough month or so. Heck...it's been a rough 6 years or so. But it's my nature (thank goodness) to let the positives rise to the top. So let's start with those... (not in any special order)
I'm alive.
I'm pretty healthy.
My children are healthy, happy, and thriving.
My grandbabies are healthy, happy, and thriving.
David is alive & sober. (169 days!)
We all have a warm roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
There are more but... excuse me and allow me to wallow a bit.
I got fired. (OUCH!)
My relationship with my oldest child is strained.
It would take a miracle to get all my children into the same room for an hour let alone regularly.
My husband and I are separated and have certainly had more bad days than good ones.
Hi. I'm Shelly Rae.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Must get better at blogging!
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Let me introduce Sara Nicole-------
Wow... I am terrible at keeping up with this blog.
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
BFF's
Best aunt EVER.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Exhausted
I've been terribly tired lately. I've always been a good sleeper. I grew up hearing "You could sleep through a tornado." The few people that have ever slept with me would attest to the fact that it takes me all of 30-60 seconds to fall asleep. But this has nothing to do with my normal behavior(s). I'm dang tired. So I have been pondering on why. Here are some of my thoughts...
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Finally! Introducing Amelia Brianne....
I am mortified. There may be a better word but that is the first one that came to mind. I just saw that I have not posted since FEBRUARY. I HATE realizations such as this one because it makes me feel like I am wasting my life away. Maybe that is just a product of getting older but each day seems like such a precious commodity. I've been thinking every 5 days or so "hey...I need to get back to blogging", but apparently it has been TEN months since I've actually done it. As I look back at the pattern of my posts it appears as though I am due to introduce another "character".
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
I love you Molly. I completely adore you. I would give almost anything to be able to hug you and kiss your face tonight.
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
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