I started this awhile back. Not to air dirty laundry, although many will see it as that. But I have been portrayed certain ways. And even looked down upon for giving up on my marriage. So I made this list awhile back for myself more than anything. It helps me put things in perspective when I start questioning myself. This list helps me see the absolute chaos that my life was while in the relationship. And I assure you, this is not an exaggeration. If anything I am being conservative in these figures.
1 relationship that lasted approximately 2100 days
2 weddings 1/2010 in Provo, UT & 6/2012 in Las Vegas, NV
2 divorces
1 year long separation
1 protective order after he threatened to shoot me (to his co-worker)
4 times picking him up from jail upon release
10 visits to him in county jail
1 meeting with a bail bondsman in a parking lot
2 stays in residential addiction recovery (rehab)
14 family group meetings during rehab
30+ LDS Addiction Recovery for Families or Al-anon meetings
5 days of missed work for me
15 days of work taken off early or gone in late for me
1 job lost for attendance issues also for me
12 times supporting him in court- 3 of those he was brought in in shackles
4 nights in hotels for myself and my kids to get away from either drunken rage and/or threats
12 days without running water after bank account was gambled away in Wendover
3 stays in detox with BAC in the near fatal range (.33 once - .08 is a DUI)
I'm sure I am forgetting things. And honestly I hope I can forget a lot of this. The figure that is the cherry on top is that he remarried 59 days after our divorce was final. So someone else gets to start on her list.
But I am cleaning up after the mess that was left and moving forward....
PS- I thought I'd add that if you or someone you know has been in a relationship with an addict and needs help or just someone to talk to, feel free to send them my way. I went into this very naive but I've learned a lot.
Hi. I'm Shelly Rae.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
"Hang In There"
Sometimes life just sucks. And the holidays can magnify any grief, anxiety, loss, sadness, etc. a person might be going through.
So don't let the title of this blog fool you- I'm not here to say "Hang In There" to those of us in the bah humbug group. Quite the opposite. I'm here to politely explain that if one more person tells me to "Hang In There" I might just punch them.
Don't get me wrong. I've get it. I know it's really tough to know what to say when someone is sad. So let me help you out. You actually don't have to say anything at all. We are humans. And part of the human experience is pain and sadness. We've gone through divorces. And loss of loved ones. And financial struggles. And so on. So we don't all have those wonderful photos of our family all together in their matching jammie pants to post to Facebook and Instagram.
Does this mean I don't want you to share your happy times with me? Not at all. When I don't feel like I want to see those things I know how to keep myself off of social media. But it does mean that when you ask how my holidays have been and I force a smile and say "hmmm... not so great", please just nod, I personally appreciate a "yeah things suck sometimes", and I am even cool with a hug. But please... please... no more...
"Hang In There"
PS- I've chosen to keep this about the holiday feelings and events in general but I assure you I am aware of and believe in the true reason for Christmas. That is another lecture I do not need. My faith has gotten me through some dark moments and will continue to do so.
PSS- Chill out. I am ok. This is somewhat tongue in cheek. Somewhat. And I guarantee you I am not the only person that feels this way.
So don't let the title of this blog fool you- I'm not here to say "Hang In There" to those of us in the bah humbug group. Quite the opposite. I'm here to politely explain that if one more person tells me to "Hang In There" I might just punch them.
Don't get me wrong. I've get it. I know it's really tough to know what to say when someone is sad. So let me help you out. You actually don't have to say anything at all. We are humans. And part of the human experience is pain and sadness. We've gone through divorces. And loss of loved ones. And financial struggles. And so on. So we don't all have those wonderful photos of our family all together in their matching jammie pants to post to Facebook and Instagram.
Does this mean I don't want you to share your happy times with me? Not at all. When I don't feel like I want to see those things I know how to keep myself off of social media. But it does mean that when you ask how my holidays have been and I force a smile and say "hmmm... not so great", please just nod, I personally appreciate a "yeah things suck sometimes", and I am even cool with a hug. But please... please... no more...
"Hang In There"
PS- I've chosen to keep this about the holiday feelings and events in general but I assure you I am aware of and believe in the true reason for Christmas. That is another lecture I do not need. My faith has gotten me through some dark moments and will continue to do so.
PSS- Chill out. I am ok. This is somewhat tongue in cheek. Somewhat. And I guarantee you I am not the only person that feels this way.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Here we go again. I'm in the middle of another divorce. I am embarrassed to actually count. I used to make fun of people that were like this.
"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
So.... where do we draw the line? Do we keep doing stupid stuff in hopes of finding an amazing love? Or do we close ourselves off?
What I do know is that it's time for me to take a step back, take some time alone, breathe, soul search, heal my soul, and then see where that takes me.
In the mean time... can we just get through this stupid divorce already?! It was much easier when there was no money and no stuff to argue over. Sheesh!
I'm flawed. I make mistakes. Especially when it comes to emotion.
There's this part in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" when GiGi says this...
So.... where do we draw the line? Do we keep doing stupid stuff in hopes of finding an amazing love? Or do we close ourselves off?
What I do know is that it's time for me to take a step back, take some time alone, breathe, soul search, heal my soul, and then see where that takes me.
In the mean time... can we just get through this stupid divorce already?! It was much easier when there was no money and no stuff to argue over. Sheesh!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Moms have feelings too!
I started this post a few weeks ago and only got as far as the title. I was clearly having a mom moment.
One of those moments when your kids seem to forget that we have feelings, feelings that get hurt too. I saw a post on Facebook today that pretty much summed it up...
1. And you still do. Actually more now. The very first time I cried from a mixture of fear and excitement. I don't recall crying in labor but I know some do and I don't blame them. I do remember crying from sleep deprivation. I cried when you got your shots. I cried when your bus left for kindergarten. I cried when your friends were mean to you. I cried when you won league in water polo and went crazy with your team. I cried during your cheer performances. I cried during every Primary program. I cried when you'd call me late at night for a no questions asked ride home. I cried when you spent 4 days in "juvy". I cried when you moved in with your dad. I cried just the other day when I got your text saying "I love you mom and hope you are having a good day."
2. And because I'm not always selfless sometimes I took that piece of pie. But more often I gave it to you.
3. It really did. But it was worth it.
4. Always. I still am. Mostly afraid I'm going to mess it all up. I don't have an instruction book.
5. Farrrr from it.
6. Sometimes even stole a kiss. I still do when I'm lucky enough to have you fall asleep in my bed.
7. Yep.
8. Even worse now.
9. Try to.
10. Yep.
To wrap this up I have something to say about motivation. I am entering a phase of motherhood that is super hard. Really, really, hard. I was recently asked by a mother of 2 year old twins what I felt was the toughest age. My answer to her was whatever age you are in at the moment. And I still feel that was a good answer. But this late teens/early twenties thing is rough. Apparently I "meddle" and "interfere". I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I don't think my kids have any idea what those words really mean. But my closing thoughts are this... whenever you may feel like your parents are meddling or interfering stop for a moment and consider their motivation. Lets say they are suggesting or encouraging you to maybe choose something as a major. Why do you think they would do that? What's in it for them? Do you think they get some kind of bonus from the school if you choose that major? Do you think the dean will buy them donuts or something? It's much more likely that they have some life perspective and maybe they love you and want what's best for you!!! Seriously. It's not rocket science kiddos. Why do you all (and I suffered from it as well) think that you are sooo different and the adults in your life just don't get it? Even if that were the case... let's go back to their motivation. Why would they even care?
Ok... stepping off my soapbox. I need to go eat some dinner.
One of those moments when your kids seem to forget that we have feelings, feelings that get hurt too. I saw a post on Facebook today that pretty much summed it up...
1. And you still do. Actually more now. The very first time I cried from a mixture of fear and excitement. I don't recall crying in labor but I know some do and I don't blame them. I do remember crying from sleep deprivation. I cried when you got your shots. I cried when your bus left for kindergarten. I cried when your friends were mean to you. I cried when you won league in water polo and went crazy with your team. I cried during your cheer performances. I cried during every Primary program. I cried when you'd call me late at night for a no questions asked ride home. I cried when you spent 4 days in "juvy". I cried when you moved in with your dad. I cried just the other day when I got your text saying "I love you mom and hope you are having a good day."
2. And because I'm not always selfless sometimes I took that piece of pie. But more often I gave it to you.
3. It really did. But it was worth it.
4. Always. I still am. Mostly afraid I'm going to mess it all up. I don't have an instruction book.
5. Farrrr from it.
6. Sometimes even stole a kiss. I still do when I'm lucky enough to have you fall asleep in my bed.
7. Yep.
8. Even worse now.
9. Try to.
10. Yep.
To wrap this up I have something to say about motivation. I am entering a phase of motherhood that is super hard. Really, really, hard. I was recently asked by a mother of 2 year old twins what I felt was the toughest age. My answer to her was whatever age you are in at the moment. And I still feel that was a good answer. But this late teens/early twenties thing is rough. Apparently I "meddle" and "interfere". I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I don't think my kids have any idea what those words really mean. But my closing thoughts are this... whenever you may feel like your parents are meddling or interfering stop for a moment and consider their motivation. Lets say they are suggesting or encouraging you to maybe choose something as a major. Why do you think they would do that? What's in it for them? Do you think they get some kind of bonus from the school if you choose that major? Do you think the dean will buy them donuts or something? It's much more likely that they have some life perspective and maybe they love you and want what's best for you!!! Seriously. It's not rocket science kiddos. Why do you all (and I suffered from it as well) think that you are sooo different and the adults in your life just don't get it? Even if that were the case... let's go back to their motivation. Why would they even care?
Ok... stepping off my soapbox. I need to go eat some dinner.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I have A.D.D.
That may not be news to some of you. I have A.D.D. It's not news to me either. One of the fancy new doctors I see for my fibromyalgia recently re-diagnosed me. And as I am sitting here trying to force myself to focus on my to do list it is painfully obvious.
Man I'm tired I wonder if David is still thinking about coming home early I wish I could just sit down and write my book I wonder if the babies feel like Face-timing I wonder if Molly feels like Face-timing I wonder if Hunter is liking his classes I wonder if Amy's interview went ok at least I don't have to feel like I should be cleaning something since David was sweet enough to hire some cleaners oh jeez should I really go back to school can't I just get an honorary degree or something ugh I know I'm going to have to go out for court and that is going to bug David I hope Sara is feeling better I hope Becca is doing ok I wish my kids would understand what I try to tell them....
Ok...I won't keep going although I could. FOCUS Shelly.
Let's get back to sharing my favorites. It's easy. I thought I'd try this new lip balm and it's the bee's knees. Pun intended.
Man I'm tired I wonder if David is still thinking about coming home early I wish I could just sit down and write my book I wonder if the babies feel like Face-timing I wonder if Molly feels like Face-timing I wonder if Hunter is liking his classes I wonder if Amy's interview went ok at least I don't have to feel like I should be cleaning something since David was sweet enough to hire some cleaners oh jeez should I really go back to school can't I just get an honorary degree or something ugh I know I'm going to have to go out for court and that is going to bug David I hope Sara is feeling better I hope Becca is doing ok I wish my kids would understand what I try to tell them....
Ok...I won't keep going although I could. FOCUS Shelly.
Let's get back to sharing my favorites. It's easy. I thought I'd try this new lip balm and it's the bee's knees. Pun intended.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Mixed emotions
This is not a blog about same sex marriage. Well at least that isn't my intention.
Not only do I have mixed emotions right now but I have LOTS of them. So bear with me....
If you know me you know I love my kiddos. Like REALLY love them. I also really LIKE them. They are fantastically amazing human beings that bring beauty and joy to this world but especially to me.
I know it's a natural mothering reaction to want to kill anyone that hurts our babies. It's simply the mama bear, mama lion, whatever you want to call it instinct. If you are a mother you are nodding your head right about now because you know. And if you have ever witnessed it, I hope it wasn't on the receiving end. What you all may not know is that - at least for me - this instinct goes both ways. Meaning, when someone is kind and loving towards one of my babies my heart melts and I have an instinctual love for them. (usually)
I could make a list of the humans that have been on the receiving end of this mama bear love, and I just may do that someday. But today I am thinking about a couple of dear souls that entered my Sara's life about a year ago.
This could become a big or little box story (only my kids will get that) so I will try to not make this too long of a story.
Sara started a new job and after her first day of training I asked her if she made any friends. She said that this gorgeous girl walked into class and Sara was sure they would either be best friends or enemies. (most women will understand that feeling) I don't recall if it was that same day but very soon Sara said something like "I found out she is a lesbian so there is no competition issue so we are going to be best friends." Sara soon met Jess's fiance, Jamie, who also worked there and they all became fast friends.
Cut to the controversial stuff---- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. And I believe that same sex attraction is a challenge for all involved. I do not believe that the attraction is a sin but acting on it is because I do believe that sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. THAT BEING SAID.... I have sinned. In more ways than just this. And I know my neighbor has in some form or another. And my family all has. We are not on this earth to be perfect, but we are supposed to try. But we are a world full of sinners. Period. And it is not my place to judge what should happen to any of us that sin. What it boils down to for me is this... I thank heavens that I don't have to agree with everything a person says, does, or believes in order to LOVE them. If I did, I would have a very lonely life.
I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends. People that I sincerely love and choose to have in my life. I could be wrong but I don't think anything I say here will come as a surprise to any of them. I'm not generally known as someone that keeps my feelings to myself.
And let me address this concept. I am a "good" Mormon. That discussion gets thrown about a lot. "But you're not a 'good" Mormon, Shelly." Yep. I am. Garment clad. Temple recommend holding. I am what would be considered "good" by any standard. Sadly what usually comes next is "Ok... but you aren't one of 'those' Mormons." When I dared to ask what "those" Mormons are I was told... judgmental. Hateful. Just all kinds of shades of judgey. Ok... you are right. I am not one of THOSE. But neither are a whole lot of the rest of 'them". This is sincerely a situation where a few rotten apples have spoiled the bunch. But I am not hear to speak for the bunch. That isn't my place. I will direct you to check the website www.lds.org for the OFFICIAL stance on this and other issues. If individual members of the Church choose to interpret or live differently, it is their life to live.
This brings me to a HOT topic I may address more fully at another time. Same sex marriage.
Cut back to Jess and Jamie. These girls love my daughter and bring happiness to her life. So guess what? I LOVE THEM. And that means I hope they are happy. (Refer back to my comment about not needing to agree with a person's choices in order to love them)
Jess and Jamie are not the couple I taught my children about when I taught them about temple marriage. But they have taught my children something. They have shown us all a great example of love. And so when they were married this past weekend, we were there to celebrate with them. We cried when Jess walked down the aisle. We cried during their first dance. (Ok...Hunter didn't... but us girls were BAWLING) We brought a gift. We danced with them at the reception. And we congratulated them with hugs and kisses. Because we love them. Period. It's really simple actually.
I made the choice several weeks ago to not post photos and make a big deal of this 'good' Mormon lady attending a same sex wedding because it wasn't about me. It was their time. And I knew that I'd have comments. I knew it would become something I didn't want it to be.
I awoke this morning to news about the court's ruling, or lack thereof, which means that the legal part of Jess and Jamie's union is just that. Legal. So there are the mixed emotions. I am happy for them. Period. Does it change my own belief about same sex marriages. Nope. And I am happy to explain that to anyone that doesn't get it. And perhaps write about it at a future date. But today I am grateful that the maid of honor Sara gets a chance to rest. And hope that my extra daughters Jess & Jamie are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon.
We would all be lucky to find love like theirs.
My favorite thing in this post will be some of my favorite moments from the wedding.
Not only do I have mixed emotions right now but I have LOTS of them. So bear with me....
If you know me you know I love my kiddos. Like REALLY love them. I also really LIKE them. They are fantastically amazing human beings that bring beauty and joy to this world but especially to me.
I know it's a natural mothering reaction to want to kill anyone that hurts our babies. It's simply the mama bear, mama lion, whatever you want to call it instinct. If you are a mother you are nodding your head right about now because you know. And if you have ever witnessed it, I hope it wasn't on the receiving end. What you all may not know is that - at least for me - this instinct goes both ways. Meaning, when someone is kind and loving towards one of my babies my heart melts and I have an instinctual love for them. (usually)
I could make a list of the humans that have been on the receiving end of this mama bear love, and I just may do that someday. But today I am thinking about a couple of dear souls that entered my Sara's life about a year ago.
This could become a big or little box story (only my kids will get that) so I will try to not make this too long of a story.
Sara started a new job and after her first day of training I asked her if she made any friends. She said that this gorgeous girl walked into class and Sara was sure they would either be best friends or enemies. (most women will understand that feeling) I don't recall if it was that same day but very soon Sara said something like "I found out she is a lesbian so there is no competition issue so we are going to be best friends." Sara soon met Jess's fiance, Jamie, who also worked there and they all became fast friends.
Cut to the controversial stuff---- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. And I believe that same sex attraction is a challenge for all involved. I do not believe that the attraction is a sin but acting on it is because I do believe that sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin. THAT BEING SAID.... I have sinned. In more ways than just this. And I know my neighbor has in some form or another. And my family all has. We are not on this earth to be perfect, but we are supposed to try. But we are a world full of sinners. Period. And it is not my place to judge what should happen to any of us that sin. What it boils down to for me is this... I thank heavens that I don't have to agree with everything a person says, does, or believes in order to LOVE them. If I did, I would have a very lonely life.
I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends. People that I sincerely love and choose to have in my life. I could be wrong but I don't think anything I say here will come as a surprise to any of them. I'm not generally known as someone that keeps my feelings to myself.
And let me address this concept. I am a "good" Mormon. That discussion gets thrown about a lot. "But you're not a 'good" Mormon, Shelly." Yep. I am. Garment clad. Temple recommend holding. I am what would be considered "good" by any standard. Sadly what usually comes next is "Ok... but you aren't one of 'those' Mormons." When I dared to ask what "those" Mormons are I was told... judgmental. Hateful. Just all kinds of shades of judgey. Ok... you are right. I am not one of THOSE. But neither are a whole lot of the rest of 'them". This is sincerely a situation where a few rotten apples have spoiled the bunch. But I am not hear to speak for the bunch. That isn't my place. I will direct you to check the website www.lds.org for the OFFICIAL stance on this and other issues. If individual members of the Church choose to interpret or live differently, it is their life to live.
This brings me to a HOT topic I may address more fully at another time. Same sex marriage.
Cut back to Jess and Jamie. These girls love my daughter and bring happiness to her life. So guess what? I LOVE THEM. And that means I hope they are happy. (Refer back to my comment about not needing to agree with a person's choices in order to love them)
Jess and Jamie are not the couple I taught my children about when I taught them about temple marriage. But they have taught my children something. They have shown us all a great example of love. And so when they were married this past weekend, we were there to celebrate with them. We cried when Jess walked down the aisle. We cried during their first dance. (Ok...Hunter didn't... but us girls were BAWLING) We brought a gift. We danced with them at the reception. And we congratulated them with hugs and kisses. Because we love them. Period. It's really simple actually.
I made the choice several weeks ago to not post photos and make a big deal of this 'good' Mormon lady attending a same sex wedding because it wasn't about me. It was their time. And I knew that I'd have comments. I knew it would become something I didn't want it to be.
I awoke this morning to news about the court's ruling, or lack thereof, which means that the legal part of Jess and Jamie's union is just that. Legal. So there are the mixed emotions. I am happy for them. Period. Does it change my own belief about same sex marriages. Nope. And I am happy to explain that to anyone that doesn't get it. And perhaps write about it at a future date. But today I am grateful that the maid of honor Sara gets a chance to rest. And hope that my extra daughters Jess & Jamie are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon.
We would all be lucky to find love like theirs.
My favorite thing in this post will be some of my favorite moments from the wedding.
Friday, September 12, 2014
I wasn't going to write but....
Ugh.
When I started this blog I imagined writing in it AT LEAST once per week. Hahaha.... pretty laughable.
It pops up on my to do list every week. But like many other tasks on that list I gently just move it to another day.
When I saw it this week I thought to myself, heck.... I am toooverwhelmed stressed bummed tired.... excuses, excuses. Then I told myself that since I would be hard pressed to find something positive to share with my "masses" I shouldn't write anything. Yet here I am. Should I list all the things that are overwhelming, stressing, bumming, and exhausting me? Probably not. Should I go downstairs and fix myself a brownie with ice cream and chocolate syrup and whipped cream? Also probably not.
I think I'll go hug my baby girl and then go sit in my sun room and watch for birds to enjoy my new bird feeder.
When I started this blog I imagined writing in it AT LEAST once per week. Hahaha.... pretty laughable.
It pops up on my to do list every week. But like many other tasks on that list I gently just move it to another day.
When I saw it this week I thought to myself, heck.... I am too
I think I'll go hug my baby girl and then go sit in my sun room and watch for birds to enjoy my new bird feeder.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
My baby
She has dubbed herself "The Golden Child".
Becca Erin. She was supposed to be Becca Elysse but she decided to make her appearance on St. Patrick's Day so I felt like we should commemorate that somehow.
Let me back up....
In my last post I talked about some of the thoughts I had while alone in the hospital with my new son, Hunter. One thought/feeling I had was one of peace and contentment. I translated that feeling into our family being complete. I hadn't imagined having "only" three children but I felt so content that I assumed that was the case. So we decided Matt would get "fixed".
Literally the night before the procedure I had a vivid dream. Don't laugh... I have very crazy dreams anyway... like movies. In this one, I was being herded along a path with other hostages by some foreign military types. I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, glanced over, and it was a BABY, laying face down in the dirt. But obviously alive. I turned to our captor and asked if I could go pick it up. He said no. Ibegged, pleaded, and he still said no. I woke up. Then I woke Matt up and told him his procedure would have to wait. Perhaps just a crazy dream but I couldn't ignore it.
We spent the next several months praying, fasting, praying, pondering, and praying some more. We just were not getting any clear answers. So finally we threw our hands up and said let's just not do anything to prevent another baby for 3 months and see what happens. I must admit I felt a little sense of relief when we were approaching our deadline and nothing had happened. That lasted a few days until the tell-tale signs of pregnancy showed up. But there ya go... we had our answer.
Keep in mind, at this point I had a busy 5 year old very ready to start kindergarten, a feisty 3 year old starting preschool, and an 18 month old that was thankfully pretty easy on me.
After 32ish weeks, Becca apparently felt ready to join us. After stopping labor 4 times, we were just shy of 37 weeks so the doctor told me to come on in. March 17, 1998.
I sometimes feel bad for babies in large-ish families. I was so busy I didn't soak in the newness of this one as fully as the others. But I did realize that this was FOR SURE our last. So I let myself soak that in. I rocked her to sleep every. single. time. And I didn't rush her into crawling, walking, etc.
Molly loved the baby but had so much to do now that she was going to school. Sara was too busy idolizing Molly to be too into the new sister. Hunter was just too boy to care. So Becca grew into a child that was very content playing by herself. And like most youngest children, she has the fewest photos and such.
As children, she was literally terrorized by her brother Hunter. He took great pride in his ability to take her from zero to screaming in milliseconds. It only took her about 14 years to grasp the idea of laughing with/at him and at least acting like he didn't bother her. So fun to hear her now say "I can't wait to see Hunter!"
Becca was only 9 when the divorce happened. She just wanted to love both her parents and see them both. She had no way of understanding some of the things that had gone on and that went on during the ugliest of it all.
Becca was always the "cute" sister. Who doesn't love her fantastic freckles? And she was the only one that got a touch of her Gramma Sharon's strawberry blonde hair. She has such gorgeous and stylish older sisters to follow. She has done it with her own unique flair. And as she grows through her teen years I see that she won't always be the cutsie little sister. She is becoming a beautiful young woman... that still has fantastic freckles! She often reminds me of her oldest sister Molly, with her facial expressions and mannerisms. She shares clothes with her other sister Sara but makes the outfits all her own. And some days she seems to love that she is the baby. But some days she seems hate it.
Poor thing is stuck home as the only kid left. She is forced into spending more time with her parents and (eek) step-parents than I am sure she wants to. She told me the other day that I am her best friend. What more could a mother want? Especially from her 16 year old.
Becca is a planner. She always had her birthday party planned about 11 months ahead of time. She knows how many children she wants to have and what their names will be. She wants to own a bakery. She's been known to get a little flustered when her vision and plans don't fall into place but she is getting better at that. Nothing wrong withplans goals though. I can't wait to see them come to fruition. And even if she has more lessons in letting go of the vision and going with the flow... I have no doubt she will handle it all beautifully.
My "golden child". ;)
Becca Erin. She was supposed to be Becca Elysse but she decided to make her appearance on St. Patrick's Day so I felt like we should commemorate that somehow.
Let me back up....
In my last post I talked about some of the thoughts I had while alone in the hospital with my new son, Hunter. One thought/feeling I had was one of peace and contentment. I translated that feeling into our family being complete. I hadn't imagined having "only" three children but I felt so content that I assumed that was the case. So we decided Matt would get "fixed".
Literally the night before the procedure I had a vivid dream. Don't laugh... I have very crazy dreams anyway... like movies. In this one, I was being herded along a path with other hostages by some foreign military types. I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye, glanced over, and it was a BABY, laying face down in the dirt. But obviously alive. I turned to our captor and asked if I could go pick it up. He said no. I
We spent the next several months praying, fasting, praying, pondering, and praying some more. We just were not getting any clear answers. So finally we threw our hands up and said let's just not do anything to prevent another baby for 3 months and see what happens. I must admit I felt a little sense of relief when we were approaching our deadline and nothing had happened. That lasted a few days until the tell-tale signs of pregnancy showed up. But there ya go... we had our answer.
Keep in mind, at this point I had a busy 5 year old very ready to start kindergarten, a feisty 3 year old starting preschool, and an 18 month old that was thankfully pretty easy on me.
After 32ish weeks, Becca apparently felt ready to join us. After stopping labor 4 times, we were just shy of 37 weeks so the doctor told me to come on in. March 17, 1998.
I sometimes feel bad for babies in large-ish families. I was so busy I didn't soak in the newness of this one as fully as the others. But I did realize that this was FOR SURE our last. So I let myself soak that in. I rocked her to sleep every. single. time. And I didn't rush her into crawling, walking, etc.
Molly loved the baby but had so much to do now that she was going to school. Sara was too busy idolizing Molly to be too into the new sister. Hunter was just too boy to care. So Becca grew into a child that was very content playing by herself. And like most youngest children, she has the fewest photos and such.
As children, she was literally terrorized by her brother Hunter. He took great pride in his ability to take her from zero to screaming in milliseconds. It only took her about 14 years to grasp the idea of laughing with/at him and at least acting like he didn't bother her. So fun to hear her now say "I can't wait to see Hunter!"
Becca was only 9 when the divorce happened. She just wanted to love both her parents and see them both. She had no way of understanding some of the things that had gone on and that went on during the ugliest of it all.
Becca was always the "cute" sister. Who doesn't love her fantastic freckles? And she was the only one that got a touch of her Gramma Sharon's strawberry blonde hair. She has such gorgeous and stylish older sisters to follow. She has done it with her own unique flair. And as she grows through her teen years I see that she won't always be the cutsie little sister. She is becoming a beautiful young woman... that still has fantastic freckles! She often reminds me of her oldest sister Molly, with her facial expressions and mannerisms. She shares clothes with her other sister Sara but makes the outfits all her own. And some days she seems to love that she is the baby. But some days she seems hate it.
Poor thing is stuck home as the only kid left. She is forced into spending more time with her parents and (eek) step-parents than I am sure she wants to. She told me the other day that I am her best friend. What more could a mother want? Especially from her 16 year old.
Becca is a planner. She always had her birthday party planned about 11 months ahead of time. She knows how many children she wants to have and what their names will be. She wants to own a bakery. She's been known to get a little flustered when her vision and plans don't fall into place but she is getting better at that. Nothing wrong with
My "golden child". ;)
Friday, May 16, 2014
My favorite boy
In the spring of 1995 we had just moved back to California from Colorado and we had another "surprise" baby on the way. The other "surprise" happened when we moved to Colorado so we decided we probably shouldn't move to another state for awhile. It took awhile for things to settle in for me but about the time it did, we found out that our surprise was also a BOY! Surprise! After two princess girlie girls... I was excited for the new challenge.
Have you ever seen this... ?
So true. I was NOT expecting the level and consistency of noise. Neither were his sisters. And the dirt, grime, etc.... EWWWWW! (the "etc" was the worst)
With no further adieu... let me introduce to you... Matthew Hunter Crabtree!
I will interject here that my gorgeous eldest Amelia is expecting her third baby and we recently found out that it is indeed a BOY! YAY! However, the newest Hartzell youngen's gender has not been received well by his sisters. Funny to me because it is so exactly like how Molly herself responded to the news of a brother. But we all certainly adore "Bubba" now. (What his adoring nieces call him)
As I ponder what more to say about my boy, I have decided some of my thoughts need to be their own separate blog post. Let's suffice to say boys are just different. The way you feel about them, the way they feel about you, the dirt, their thought process, the noise, and the RESPONSIBILITY.
I'm going to assume, perhaps unfairly, that this feeling of responsibility may be unique to Latter Day Saint mothers. But I vividly recall sitting in my hospital room, alone with MY SON, looking at him and thinking "I am holding a future priesthood holder. A future missionary. A future gentleman (we hope). A future husband. How on earth will I teach him how to be all these things? But thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity."
Luckily Hunter was an extremely easy baby so I had some peaceful moments over the next several months to let all that sink in. And about that easy baby stuff, I have a theory that our third babies are easy so we won't call it all quits. I have met several people that were ready to give up after their 2nd and thought they'd give it ONE MORE CHANCE, only to have angel 3rd babies that make us forget how hard it was.
Hunter was a typical little boy with sisters. Meaning he was dirty- A LOT - and destructive while also being a great problem solver, but would also cry because he wanted his nails painted as well. He wanted nothing more than to be like his daddy. He went through a tantrum stage at about 3 that we have documented well with photos. He was a picky eater but that thoroughly disappeared by his teens. He was always the teacher's pet. ALWAYS. And he was adored by all the ladies in the house. Well, except for his little sister who he took great pride in being able to infuriate to a screaming state within seconds. I think we are finally, barely out of that stage.
Even before the divorce, daddy traveled a lot and would remind Hunter that he was the "man of the house" when he was not there. One night I was up late and Hunter was with me and trying to keep his eyes open. When I asked him why he didn't just go to bed he said "Because I need to check the windows and doors before I can go to bed." My heart did a huge "Awwwww" and I assured him I could do it that one time so he could just fall asleep. (He was about TEN at the time).
Then came the rough spot. "the divorce" I've learned that there is no way for me to know how it truly affected and continues to affect my babies. We each had our own sadness and grief to deal with. But Hunter was at a very pivotal time in a LDS boy's life. He was ready to receive the Aaronic Priesthood (if any of this brings up questions feel free to ask!). He was ordained by a good family friend and we had many other friends there to share the day. Such a sweet spirit was in our home that day. And Hunter continued to be the "man of the house".
I should for time sake but I cannot leave out a great story from about that time. It was Christmas. One of my favorite things is having lights on the house. But we were suddenly a family with the only man being a almost 12 year old. However, my sweet boy came to me and said he could do the lights himself. He had "helped" dad many times so he had it all under control. What's a mom to say? But I shared my concern with our home teacher Eric Roweton and he said he had an idea. So the day Hunter had planned to hang the lights, Eric showed up. Only to bring a ladder in case Hunter needed it. And hung around just in case Hunter needed him to hold something for him or some other easy task. Low and behold, with his "helper", Hunter got the lights up and working quite well. He was very proud of himself. And so was his mama.
Hunter's teens have been challenging for me. After we moved to Utah he decided he wanted to go back and live with his dad in California during high school. I had my concerns but his dad is a good dad and Hunter has turned out quite well.
Here we are, less than a month before my boy graduates from high school and is officially a "grown up". I can't believe it. It can't have been 18 years since I sat with that baby in my arms. But alas, it is true. I couldn't be more proud of who he is. His sisters insist he is my "favorite" but moms know we don't have favorites. As I already mentioned, and promised a separate post on, boys are just different. Our relationship is simple. If he is mad at me it lasts about 90 seconds and we are over it. Well... except for one patch where a crazy girlfriend was involved... but I digress. The boy can't wait to graduate and get on with life. He has chosen to attend the University of Utah (GO UTES!) which will bring him back to Utah and closer to mom. We even get a good 6 weeks with him here this summer before he moves into the dorm. And we are over the moon excited. Even his little sister. Which indicates great progress. He's a smarty pants. As of now planning to be an attorney. And he is truly a gentleman. He shows his sisters what they should look for in a man. And best of all... he loves his mommy!
Yikes... I almost forgot photos!
Have you ever seen this... ?
So true. I was NOT expecting the level and consistency of noise. Neither were his sisters. And the dirt, grime, etc.... EWWWWW! (the "etc" was the worst)
With no further adieu... let me introduce to you... Matthew Hunter Crabtree!
I will interject here that my gorgeous eldest Amelia is expecting her third baby and we recently found out that it is indeed a BOY! YAY! However, the newest Hartzell youngen's gender has not been received well by his sisters. Funny to me because it is so exactly like how Molly herself responded to the news of a brother. But we all certainly adore "Bubba" now. (What his adoring nieces call him)
As I ponder what more to say about my boy, I have decided some of my thoughts need to be their own separate blog post. Let's suffice to say boys are just different. The way you feel about them, the way they feel about you, the dirt, their thought process, the noise, and the RESPONSIBILITY.
I'm going to assume, perhaps unfairly, that this feeling of responsibility may be unique to Latter Day Saint mothers. But I vividly recall sitting in my hospital room, alone with MY SON, looking at him and thinking "I am holding a future priesthood holder. A future missionary. A future gentleman (we hope). A future husband. How on earth will I teach him how to be all these things? But thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity."
Luckily Hunter was an extremely easy baby so I had some peaceful moments over the next several months to let all that sink in. And about that easy baby stuff, I have a theory that our third babies are easy so we won't call it all quits. I have met several people that were ready to give up after their 2nd and thought they'd give it ONE MORE CHANCE, only to have angel 3rd babies that make us forget how hard it was.
Hunter was a typical little boy with sisters. Meaning he was dirty- A LOT - and destructive while also being a great problem solver, but would also cry because he wanted his nails painted as well. He wanted nothing more than to be like his daddy. He went through a tantrum stage at about 3 that we have documented well with photos. He was a picky eater but that thoroughly disappeared by his teens. He was always the teacher's pet. ALWAYS. And he was adored by all the ladies in the house. Well, except for his little sister who he took great pride in being able to infuriate to a screaming state within seconds. I think we are finally, barely out of that stage.
Even before the divorce, daddy traveled a lot and would remind Hunter that he was the "man of the house" when he was not there. One night I was up late and Hunter was with me and trying to keep his eyes open. When I asked him why he didn't just go to bed he said "Because I need to check the windows and doors before I can go to bed." My heart did a huge "Awwwww" and I assured him I could do it that one time so he could just fall asleep. (He was about TEN at the time).
Then came the rough spot. "the divorce" I've learned that there is no way for me to know how it truly affected and continues to affect my babies. We each had our own sadness and grief to deal with. But Hunter was at a very pivotal time in a LDS boy's life. He was ready to receive the Aaronic Priesthood (if any of this brings up questions feel free to ask!). He was ordained by a good family friend and we had many other friends there to share the day. Such a sweet spirit was in our home that day. And Hunter continued to be the "man of the house".
I should for time sake but I cannot leave out a great story from about that time. It was Christmas. One of my favorite things is having lights on the house. But we were suddenly a family with the only man being a almost 12 year old. However, my sweet boy came to me and said he could do the lights himself. He had "helped" dad many times so he had it all under control. What's a mom to say? But I shared my concern with our home teacher Eric Roweton and he said he had an idea. So the day Hunter had planned to hang the lights, Eric showed up. Only to bring a ladder in case Hunter needed it. And hung around just in case Hunter needed him to hold something for him or some other easy task. Low and behold, with his "helper", Hunter got the lights up and working quite well. He was very proud of himself. And so was his mama.
Hunter's teens have been challenging for me. After we moved to Utah he decided he wanted to go back and live with his dad in California during high school. I had my concerns but his dad is a good dad and Hunter has turned out quite well.
Here we are, less than a month before my boy graduates from high school and is officially a "grown up". I can't believe it. It can't have been 18 years since I sat with that baby in my arms. But alas, it is true. I couldn't be more proud of who he is. His sisters insist he is my "favorite" but moms know we don't have favorites. As I already mentioned, and promised a separate post on, boys are just different. Our relationship is simple. If he is mad at me it lasts about 90 seconds and we are over it. Well... except for one patch where a crazy girlfriend was involved... but I digress. The boy can't wait to graduate and get on with life. He has chosen to attend the University of Utah (GO UTES!) which will bring him back to Utah and closer to mom. We even get a good 6 weeks with him here this summer before he moves into the dorm. And we are over the moon excited. Even his little sister. Which indicates great progress. He's a smarty pants. As of now planning to be an attorney. And he is truly a gentleman. He shows his sisters what they should look for in a man. And best of all... he loves his mommy!
Yikes... I almost forgot photos!
BUBBA!
Water polo stud.
Our Halloween attempt at reenacting "300"
(totally Hunter's idea)
Friday, February 21, 2014
Fibromyalgia? REALLY? Karma... you really outdid yourself this time.
It's official. I have fibromyalgia.
What?
Are you SURE? I mean we checked for all kinds of stuff... MS, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis... not that I would prefer any of those. But at least they are "real" conditions. I would never give anyone a funny look or think they were just a hypochondriac if they told me they had one of those conditions.
Now the battle within ensues.
The first time I heard the word FIBROMYALGIA was when I was in high school. I knew someone well that I considered to be a hypochondriac. But she let me know that she had this crazy syndrome that just made you hurt all the time and tired all the time. No one knew why. No one knew what to do about it. Yada, yada, yada.
(Skip ahead if you'd like. I'm going to include a lot of detail. Just in case it might help someone else)
Fast forward a few years. I've tried to place when this may have started but who knows. I do remember one day when my children were small- small enough that I was still cleaning their rooms for them- I was cleaning Molly & Sara's room. I had spent a lot of time on the floor sorting their stupid Polly Pocket stuff. (I hated that stuff- almost worse than Legos) Later that evening my knee was aching. A LOT. And it got worse and worse over a few days so I went to the doctor. I do legitimately have an issue with my foot arches that cause knee issues but I don't remember my knee(s) ever not hurting from that point forward. I have braces, shoe inserts, etc. I've gone to physical therapy. On and on. In the past few years even my ankles and hips have been hurting. Sometimes aching so badly that it wakes me up. I thought this all had to do with my dumb feet.
On a separate note (or so I thought) I've had (again since my children were small) odd spots on my body that hurt VERY bad if anyone pushes on them. I'm talking just a normal poke to the ribs is terribly painful. I just chalked this up to me being sort of an odd duck and lived with it.
Several years ago I started feeling overly fatigued. I had started an anxiety medication about the same time so assumed that was why. I also knew I needed to eat better and lose weight so I blamed most of all of this on those issues. But lately I have been dang tired. I can literally lay down at any point in the day and sleep for hours. However, I have insomnia at night. Even if I make myself get up early and not sleep during the day. It's very annoying.
Finally, the "brain fog" I hear it is called. My kids have just been accusing me for years of having Alzheimer's. I heard once that hormonal imbalances caused forgetfulness so yeah... I had an excuse for that as well.
Several months ago the aches and pains got so bad it was hard to walk sometimes. If I sat for very long I was incredibly stiff when I got up and moving was painful. I had been taking over the counter anti-imflammatories like mints for years. But I thought I'd ask my doctor for something stronger. So he gave me something. I took it for a couple of months and nothing. So we tried something else and did some blood work. It showed that my body had a high level of inflammation but I was having sinus surgery soon so he thought we should address it after my recovery and see if there was improvement. But the new meds also didn't work. I visited him last week and we did more blood work but we also had a nice conversation. I brought up that "F" word. I asked him if fibromyalgia is real. He chuckled a little bit and said "I want to show you something." He turned his computer screen around and showed a note from several visits ago. He had noted "Probably fibromyalgia."
Lame. I walked out in a daze. Lame because so what. People have surely gotten FAR worse news from their doctors. But I was embarrassed. I didn't want to tell anyone. Certainly not my family whom I had indoctrinated to my 'fibromyalgia is fake' mantra.
No wonder! This explains so much. All the time that my ex-husband blamed me for being lazy and out of shape and why did I sleep so much? It made sense! I could start letting go of a huge heap of my self-criticism.
But what if I've been right? What if it is fake?
I know who would know. Dr. Oz. If he believes in it... then it is OBVIOUSLY real. (insert only slight sarcasm here- he really is pretty cool)
http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/disease-doctors-miss-most-fibromyalgia
Again... wow.
Now what? I tell David. While he's at work and just kind of busy. Then I tell my kids. NO. REACTION. WHATSOEVER. FROM. ANYONE.
Ummmm.... helllloooo... I just told you gusy I have the "disease doctors miss most".
But I don't freak out. I call my BFF Amy and whine that no one cared. I get the perfect amount of "oh sweetie... I am soooo sorry" that only BFF's know how to dish out.
In the mix of all this I panic a bit. I recall a time when I was pregnant and was tired, of course. But at my doctor's appointment he freaks out about my iron levels and says "How did you not know? Haven't you been exhausted?" As soon as he said that I felt REALLY tired. I could barely drive home. Nothing had changed. Except I knew I was supposed to be tired. So I stopped pushing through and making myself believe I was fine. What if that happened now? I had to make sure it didn't. I had the power. Right?
I'm still sad at this point that I got zero sympathy from my family. So I get on the internet. I literally search "my mom has fibromyalgia" and "my wife has fibromyalgia". Try it. Fun reading. Everything I came across was something about the mom/wife laying on the couch all day and doing nothing and the family was trying to be helpful but had enough. Yikes.
Let's remember. Nothing had changed. Except I had new knowledge. And new meds!! And they were working!! Apparently this confirmed the diagnosis. Along with the further test results that ruled out everything else.
So I gently mentioned to my family that I was saddened by their reactions- or lack thereof. They pointed out that it was ME that had told them that the diagnosis I was just given was not a real thing. And they apologized and asked what they can do.
The update is that the meds are working. I don't have to take a hot bath every night just so I can fall asleep. The fatigue has not changed much though. And I need to learn my limits. Went to City Creek with my girls one night including standing in line at Cheesecake Factory for 50 minutes- I could barely walk to the car. But at least now I know why.
And my apologies to everyone I judged when they said they had fibromyalgia.
What?
Are you SURE? I mean we checked for all kinds of stuff... MS, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis... not that I would prefer any of those. But at least they are "real" conditions. I would never give anyone a funny look or think they were just a hypochondriac if they told me they had one of those conditions.
Now the battle within ensues.
The first time I heard the word FIBROMYALGIA was when I was in high school. I knew someone well that I considered to be a hypochondriac. But she let me know that she had this crazy syndrome that just made you hurt all the time and tired all the time. No one knew why. No one knew what to do about it. Yada, yada, yada.
(Skip ahead if you'd like. I'm going to include a lot of detail. Just in case it might help someone else)
Fast forward a few years. I've tried to place when this may have started but who knows. I do remember one day when my children were small- small enough that I was still cleaning their rooms for them- I was cleaning Molly & Sara's room. I had spent a lot of time on the floor sorting their stupid Polly Pocket stuff. (I hated that stuff- almost worse than Legos) Later that evening my knee was aching. A LOT. And it got worse and worse over a few days so I went to the doctor. I do legitimately have an issue with my foot arches that cause knee issues but I don't remember my knee(s) ever not hurting from that point forward. I have braces, shoe inserts, etc. I've gone to physical therapy. On and on. In the past few years even my ankles and hips have been hurting. Sometimes aching so badly that it wakes me up. I thought this all had to do with my dumb feet.
On a separate note (or so I thought) I've had (again since my children were small) odd spots on my body that hurt VERY bad if anyone pushes on them. I'm talking just a normal poke to the ribs is terribly painful. I just chalked this up to me being sort of an odd duck and lived with it.
Several years ago I started feeling overly fatigued. I had started an anxiety medication about the same time so assumed that was why. I also knew I needed to eat better and lose weight so I blamed most of all of this on those issues. But lately I have been dang tired. I can literally lay down at any point in the day and sleep for hours. However, I have insomnia at night. Even if I make myself get up early and not sleep during the day. It's very annoying.
Finally, the "brain fog" I hear it is called. My kids have just been accusing me for years of having Alzheimer's. I heard once that hormonal imbalances caused forgetfulness so yeah... I had an excuse for that as well.
Several months ago the aches and pains got so bad it was hard to walk sometimes. If I sat for very long I was incredibly stiff when I got up and moving was painful. I had been taking over the counter anti-imflammatories like mints for years. But I thought I'd ask my doctor for something stronger. So he gave me something. I took it for a couple of months and nothing. So we tried something else and did some blood work. It showed that my body had a high level of inflammation but I was having sinus surgery soon so he thought we should address it after my recovery and see if there was improvement. But the new meds also didn't work. I visited him last week and we did more blood work but we also had a nice conversation. I brought up that "F" word. I asked him if fibromyalgia is real. He chuckled a little bit and said "I want to show you something." He turned his computer screen around and showed a note from several visits ago. He had noted "Probably fibromyalgia."
Lame. I walked out in a daze. Lame because so what. People have surely gotten FAR worse news from their doctors. But I was embarrassed. I didn't want to tell anyone. Certainly not my family whom I had indoctrinated to my 'fibromyalgia is fake' mantra.
No wonder! This explains so much. All the time that my ex-husband blamed me for being lazy and out of shape and why did I sleep so much? It made sense! I could start letting go of a huge heap of my self-criticism.
But what if I've been right? What if it is fake?
I know who would know. Dr. Oz. If he believes in it... then it is OBVIOUSLY real. (insert only slight sarcasm here- he really is pretty cool)
http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/disease-doctors-miss-most-fibromyalgia
Again... wow.
Now what? I tell David. While he's at work and just kind of busy. Then I tell my kids. NO. REACTION. WHATSOEVER. FROM. ANYONE.
Ummmm.... helllloooo... I just told you gusy I have the "disease doctors miss most".
But I don't freak out. I call my BFF Amy and whine that no one cared. I get the perfect amount of "oh sweetie... I am soooo sorry" that only BFF's know how to dish out.
In the mix of all this I panic a bit. I recall a time when I was pregnant and was tired, of course. But at my doctor's appointment he freaks out about my iron levels and says "How did you not know? Haven't you been exhausted?" As soon as he said that I felt REALLY tired. I could barely drive home. Nothing had changed. Except I knew I was supposed to be tired. So I stopped pushing through and making myself believe I was fine. What if that happened now? I had to make sure it didn't. I had the power. Right?
I'm still sad at this point that I got zero sympathy from my family. So I get on the internet. I literally search "my mom has fibromyalgia" and "my wife has fibromyalgia". Try it. Fun reading. Everything I came across was something about the mom/wife laying on the couch all day and doing nothing and the family was trying to be helpful but had enough. Yikes.
Let's remember. Nothing had changed. Except I had new knowledge. And new meds!! And they were working!! Apparently this confirmed the diagnosis. Along with the further test results that ruled out everything else.
So I gently mentioned to my family that I was saddened by their reactions- or lack thereof. They pointed out that it was ME that had told them that the diagnosis I was just given was not a real thing. And they apologized and asked what they can do.
The update is that the meds are working. I don't have to take a hot bath every night just so I can fall asleep. The fatigue has not changed much though. And I need to learn my limits. Went to City Creek with my girls one night including standing in line at Cheesecake Factory for 50 minutes- I could barely walk to the car. But at least now I know why.
And my apologies to everyone I judged when they said they had fibromyalgia.
Monday, December 2, 2013
I just found this unpublished blog from a few weeks ago. I'm in a very different mind-frame today so I will just publish it as is.
It's been a rough month or so. Heck...it's been a rough 6 years or so. But it's my nature (thank goodness) to let the positives rise to the top. So let's start with those... (not in any special order)
I'm alive.
I'm pretty healthy.
My children are healthy, happy, and thriving.
My grandbabies are healthy, happy, and thriving.
David is alive & sober. (169 days!)
We all have a warm roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
There are more but... excuse me and allow me to wallow a bit.
I got fired. (OUCH!)
My relationship with my oldest child is strained.
It would take a miracle to get all my children into the same room for an hour let alone regularly.
My husband and I are separated and have certainly had more bad days than good ones.
It's been a rough month or so. Heck...it's been a rough 6 years or so. But it's my nature (thank goodness) to let the positives rise to the top. So let's start with those... (not in any special order)
I'm alive.
I'm pretty healthy.
My children are healthy, happy, and thriving.
My grandbabies are healthy, happy, and thriving.
David is alive & sober. (169 days!)
We all have a warm roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
There are more but... excuse me and allow me to wallow a bit.
I got fired. (OUCH!)
My relationship with my oldest child is strained.
It would take a miracle to get all my children into the same room for an hour let alone regularly.
My husband and I are separated and have certainly had more bad days than good ones.
Must get better at blogging!
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Let me introduce Sara Nicole-------
Wow... I am terrible at keeping up with this blog.
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
BFF's
Best aunt EVER.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Exhausted
I've been terribly tired lately. I've always been a good sleeper. I grew up hearing "You could sleep through a tornado." The few people that have ever slept with me would attest to the fact that it takes me all of 30-60 seconds to fall asleep. But this has nothing to do with my normal behavior(s). I'm dang tired. So I have been pondering on why. Here are some of my thoughts...
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Finally! Introducing Amelia Brianne....
I am mortified. There may be a better word but that is the first one that came to mind. I just saw that I have not posted since FEBRUARY. I HATE realizations such as this one because it makes me feel like I am wasting my life away. Maybe that is just a product of getting older but each day seems like such a precious commodity. I've been thinking every 5 days or so "hey...I need to get back to blogging", but apparently it has been TEN months since I've actually done it. As I look back at the pattern of my posts it appears as though I am due to introduce another "character".
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
I love you Molly. I completely adore you. I would give almost anything to be able to hug you and kiss your face tonight.
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Somebody That I Used To Know"
A few weeks ago I discovered this song by playing the "Popular" songs on Grooveshark.com. It sounded very "emo" so I started to skip it then somehow got hooked by the chorus. Then I listened to the lyrics and wanted to say "wow... how did you know my life?" I posted it once on Facebook with a comment that it made me think of my ex-husband and got a couple of responses of "WHICH ex?" Bahahahahaha... not really funny, but kind of.
Anyway, I was just listening to it again after one of my music idols MARK HOPPUS posted it and claims to be addicted as well. So I decided to use MY blog to vent MY feelings about Somebody That I Used to Know.
"Somebody That I Used To Know"
(feat. Kimbra)
[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die (yep...he did)
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember (yessss...I felt more alone when I was married to him than I do now that I am actually alone)
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness (wow..hadn't thought of it in these words until now)
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends (he SWORE we'd even hug when greeting each other)
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over (the relief was overwhelming)
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing (ask him ...or his wife... now. You'd think we barely new each other)
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough (TOTALLY flippin' ignores me even if I speak to him- won't even be in the same room with me if he can avoid it)
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number (well...he did change his number but I am not "allowed" to call him anyway. Only email which SHE answers)
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know (but thanks...it made it easy to move on. The man I married and had children with no longer exists.)
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done (O M G... every single time. Just ask my BFF about the daily calls asking her if I was crazy)
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know (Bahahahahahaha now THAT is hilariously ironic)
[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
Yep. But he tells me to "move on". I've been told I talk of him too much. It's tough. We were married for EIGHTEEN years! But it's true. I do talk about him more than I should. The drama that continues keeps him in my thoughts. Sharing four children that speak of him all the time makes it rough. But one of my goals is to keep working on that. Our thoughts determine our lives. So my energy would be better spent elsewhere.
My favorite? This song...
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