It's official. I have fibromyalgia.
What?
Are you SURE? I mean we checked for all kinds of stuff... MS, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis... not that I would prefer any of those. But at least they are "real" conditions. I would never give anyone a funny look or think they were just a hypochondriac if they told me they had one of those conditions.
Now the battle within ensues.
The first time I heard the word FIBROMYALGIA was when I was in high school. I knew someone well that I considered to be a hypochondriac. But she let me know that she had this crazy syndrome that just made you hurt all the time and tired all the time. No one knew why. No one knew what to do about it. Yada, yada, yada.
(Skip ahead if you'd like. I'm going to include a lot of detail. Just in case it might help someone else)
Fast forward a few years. I've tried to place when this may have started but who knows. I do remember one day when my children were small- small enough that I was still cleaning their rooms for them- I was cleaning Molly & Sara's room. I had spent a lot of time on the floor sorting their stupid Polly Pocket stuff. (I hated that stuff- almost worse than Legos) Later that evening my knee was aching. A LOT. And it got worse and worse over a few days so I went to the doctor. I do legitimately have an issue with my foot arches that cause knee issues but I don't remember my knee(s) ever not hurting from that point forward. I have braces, shoe inserts, etc. I've gone to physical therapy. On and on. In the past few years even my ankles and hips have been hurting. Sometimes aching so badly that it wakes me up. I thought this all had to do with my dumb feet.
On a separate note (or so I thought) I've had (again since my children were small) odd spots on my body that hurt VERY bad if anyone pushes on them. I'm talking just a normal poke to the ribs is terribly painful. I just chalked this up to me being sort of an odd duck and lived with it.
Several years ago I started feeling overly fatigued. I had started an anxiety medication about the same time so assumed that was why. I also knew I needed to eat better and lose weight so I blamed most of all of this on those issues. But lately I have been dang tired. I can literally lay down at any point in the day and sleep for hours. However, I have insomnia at night. Even if I make myself get up early and not sleep during the day. It's very annoying.
Finally, the "brain fog" I hear it is called. My kids have just been accusing me for years of having Alzheimer's. I heard once that hormonal imbalances caused forgetfulness so yeah... I had an excuse for that as well.
Several months ago the aches and pains got so bad it was hard to walk sometimes. If I sat for very long I was incredibly stiff when I got up and moving was painful. I had been taking over the counter anti-imflammatories like mints for years. But I thought I'd ask my doctor for something stronger. So he gave me something. I took it for a couple of months and nothing. So we tried something else and did some blood work. It showed that my body had a high level of inflammation but I was having sinus surgery soon so he thought we should address it after my recovery and see if there was improvement. But the new meds also didn't work. I visited him last week and we did more blood work but we also had a nice conversation. I brought up that "F" word. I asked him if fibromyalgia is real. He chuckled a little bit and said "I want to show you something." He turned his computer screen around and showed a note from several visits ago. He had noted "Probably fibromyalgia."
Lame. I walked out in a daze. Lame because so what. People have surely gotten FAR worse news from their doctors. But I was embarrassed. I didn't want to tell anyone. Certainly not my family whom I had indoctrinated to my 'fibromyalgia is fake' mantra.
No wonder! This explains so much. All the time that my ex-husband blamed me for being lazy and out of shape and why did I sleep so much? It made sense! I could start letting go of a huge heap of my self-criticism.
But what if I've been right? What if it is fake?
I know who would know. Dr. Oz. If he believes in it... then it is OBVIOUSLY real. (insert only slight sarcasm here- he really is pretty cool)
http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/disease-doctors-miss-most-fibromyalgia
Again... wow.
Now what? I tell David. While he's at work and just kind of busy. Then I tell my kids. NO. REACTION. WHATSOEVER. FROM. ANYONE.
Ummmm.... helllloooo... I just told you gusy I have the "disease doctors miss most".
But I don't freak out. I call my BFF Amy and whine that no one cared. I get the perfect amount of "oh sweetie... I am soooo sorry" that only BFF's know how to dish out.
In the mix of all this I panic a bit. I recall a time when I was pregnant and was tired, of course. But at my doctor's appointment he freaks out about my iron levels and says "How did you not know? Haven't you been exhausted?" As soon as he said that I felt REALLY tired. I could barely drive home. Nothing had changed. Except I knew I was supposed to be tired. So I stopped pushing through and making myself believe I was fine. What if that happened now? I had to make sure it didn't. I had the power. Right?
I'm still sad at this point that I got zero sympathy from my family. So I get on the internet. I literally search "my mom has fibromyalgia" and "my wife has fibromyalgia". Try it. Fun reading. Everything I came across was something about the mom/wife laying on the couch all day and doing nothing and the family was trying to be helpful but had enough. Yikes.
Let's remember. Nothing had changed. Except I had new knowledge. And new meds!! And they were working!! Apparently this confirmed the diagnosis. Along with the further test results that ruled out everything else.
So I gently mentioned to my family that I was saddened by their reactions- or lack thereof. They pointed out that it was ME that had told them that the diagnosis I was just given was not a real thing. And they apologized and asked what they can do.
The update is that the meds are working. I don't have to take a hot bath every night just so I can fall asleep. The fatigue has not changed much though. And I need to learn my limits. Went to City Creek with my girls one night including standing in line at Cheesecake Factory for 50 minutes- I could barely walk to the car. But at least now I know why.
And my apologies to everyone I judged when they said they had fibromyalgia.
Hi. I'm Shelly Rae.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
I just found this unpublished blog from a few weeks ago. I'm in a very different mind-frame today so I will just publish it as is.
It's been a rough month or so. Heck...it's been a rough 6 years or so. But it's my nature (thank goodness) to let the positives rise to the top. So let's start with those... (not in any special order)
I'm alive.
I'm pretty healthy.
My children are healthy, happy, and thriving.
My grandbabies are healthy, happy, and thriving.
David is alive & sober. (169 days!)
We all have a warm roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
There are more but... excuse me and allow me to wallow a bit.
I got fired. (OUCH!)
My relationship with my oldest child is strained.
It would take a miracle to get all my children into the same room for an hour let alone regularly.
My husband and I are separated and have certainly had more bad days than good ones.
It's been a rough month or so. Heck...it's been a rough 6 years or so. But it's my nature (thank goodness) to let the positives rise to the top. So let's start with those... (not in any special order)
I'm alive.
I'm pretty healthy.
My children are healthy, happy, and thriving.
My grandbabies are healthy, happy, and thriving.
David is alive & sober. (169 days!)
We all have a warm roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
There are more but... excuse me and allow me to wallow a bit.
I got fired. (OUCH!)
My relationship with my oldest child is strained.
It would take a miracle to get all my children into the same room for an hour let alone regularly.
My husband and I are separated and have certainly had more bad days than good ones.
Must get better at blogging!
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Man my life is crazy. And I am married to a man that seems like someone I should kick to the curb. The irony is that he makes me happier- even at his worst- than my first husband did. Well, perhaps happy is not an accurate adjective. He makes me feel safer and more loved than I felt during my other marriage. Yet, on the outside, we looked like the perfect couple.
The main thing on my mind right now is that I really am madly in love with David. Not sure I feel like blogging about this right now (which means it may never happen considering my blogging history) but David is currently in jail. Not prison, "just" jail. And I am still shocked that I even know the difference. Anyway... I visited him tonight. And despite all the frustration, and downright anger I feel towards him at times... my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. All I could think about is "Dang! I love this man!".
I don't know if things will work out because I have to be realistic. But in the past several days as I have had lots of thinking time, the thing I realized is that I WANT things to work. I WANT to spend my life with David. So to everyone that tells me how crazy I am... please know that I hear you. I process every word that is said. And I feel so incredibly loved by everyone that is being protective. Please try to understand that what you see on the outside may not be indicative of what is on the inside. And I am talking about David himself as well as our relationship.
I love my family and friends. My FAVORITE is spending time with them. (I could add A LOT more photos but these are the ones that are handy) :)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Let me introduce Sara Nicole-------
Wow... I am terrible at keeping up with this blog.
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
It's time for me to introduce my second born... Sara Nicole.
She came into the world as a total surprise. We have no "accidents" in our family but we do have two "surprises" and Sara was the first. Her dad had just gotten out of the Marine Corps. We actually found out Sara was coming on the same day we found out he got a job.
From the very beginning, Sara was a handful. She never wanted to sleep. I also had a two year old running me ragged. And her daddy was working full time and going to school full time. So a few naps here and there would have been wonderful. But no such luck.
Sara was always in awe of her big sister. If I had a nickel for every time Molly said "She's COPYING me again!". I had many chances to discuss how imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Sara was a Daddy's girl. She would light up as soon as he walked in. I spent the first years feeling like I was just there to feed her and keep her occupied until her favorite parent got home. Some days it made me sad, but most days it was adorable.
As Sara started growing her independence also grew. This girl has always walked to the beat of her very own drummer. I never did her hair because she had a way she wanted to do it herself. And she would come downstairs in the most interesting outfits. Yet she would own it in such a way that we never questioned it.
We used to call her the "peacemaker" in our family. Such is the state of a middle child. But whenever she did finally lose it... look out.
There is a period of time that is such a blur for me. A time when it was a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. I ache because I know that this really effected my babies. But it was probably during this time that I started seeing how alike Sara and I actually are. Since she was now a teen I was bracing myself... remembering my own teen years.
Fast forward a bit--- Sara is a phenomenal young woman. She has rebuilt a relationship with her beloved daddy and I am proud of her for being able to do that. She felt the force of natural consequences and still graduated from high school with fantastic grades. She still carries that amazing sense of style. She is freakingly gorgeous (I LOVE when people say we look alike- best compliment EVER). She has a sweet, giving spirit that isn't always obvious.
She is still the peacemaker in the family. And this family is lacking peace... all too often. I pray for that burden to release her. And I strive to do what I can to alleviate my contribution(s) to any lack of peace.
Sara is amazing at anything and everything she attempts. That is a trait my children got from their father.
Sara still adores her big sister. She is the best of friends with her brother. And an fantastic big sister to her baby sister.
Sara is wise for her years. She hates when I say this but I believe it will be hard for her to find her soul mate for awhile because her beauty, intelligence, and humor, scare boys away. It will take a man that is very secure in his own skin to "get" her and be able to give what she wants & needs.
In the end, I am grateful for this sweet girl that in the beginning I thought only wanted me for breast milk. She still rarely sleeps. But when she falls asleep in my bed I love watching her sweet face and thinking about all she will accomplish.
I have to include some photos!
BFF's
Best aunt EVER.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Exhausted
I've been terribly tired lately. I've always been a good sleeper. I grew up hearing "You could sleep through a tornado." The few people that have ever slept with me would attest to the fact that it takes me all of 30-60 seconds to fall asleep. But this has nothing to do with my normal behavior(s). I'm dang tired. So I have been pondering on why. Here are some of my thoughts...
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
I'm a single mom that works full time and has been taking on over-time lately. Constantly stressing about finances.
I've been dealing with a difficult split from my alcoholic husband. Learning A LOT about co-dependency though.
I usually take these supplements made by doTERRA that are in the Lifelong Vitality Pack. I have often told people that I didn't notice much difference when I started taking them but always notice when I stop. Well, I ran out a couple of weeks ago.
If you were inside my head you'd be tired too. But that is nothing new.
And finally, one of my favorite things is where I work---- even tired, I enjoy my job. And not everyone can say that. Plus, I get free soda.
www.ebay.com
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Finally! Introducing Amelia Brianne....
I am mortified. There may be a better word but that is the first one that came to mind. I just saw that I have not posted since FEBRUARY. I HATE realizations such as this one because it makes me feel like I am wasting my life away. Maybe that is just a product of getting older but each day seems like such a precious commodity. I've been thinking every 5 days or so "hey...I need to get back to blogging", but apparently it has been TEN months since I've actually done it. As I look back at the pattern of my posts it appears as though I am due to introduce another "character".
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
I love you Molly. I completely adore you. I would give almost anything to be able to hug you and kiss your face tonight.
Amelia Brianne Crabtree. Molly. I tried, and tried, and tried to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was in shock. We found out about her existence on August 2, 1991, exactly one year after Iraq invaded Kuwait.
Guess what? It is now almost May. So well over a year since my last post. This one has been difficult but I have also just not been doing it.
Back to Molly...
I wonder what to include and what to leave out. Of course I could go on and on and on... like women do about their children. My pregnancy was a learning experience. I was sick as heck. Then got as big as a house. I was almost TWO WEEKS late when my doctor scheduled an induction. A couple of days before that I started feeling uncomfortable at night but woke up the next morning most definitely in labor. I will spare the gruesome details but Molly finally made an appearance at 10:30 in the morning---- over 36 hours after I "started feeling uncomfortable". And we had to force her out with a c-section. Not how I pictured things going but I soon forgot about all that as the realization that we were PARENTS set in. I vividly recall the look we gave each other when we got in the car to leave the hospital. Then nervously laughed. They were letting us take an infant human being home with us. Were they crazy?
Oh how I loved that baby. I could not stop kissing her. Everything she did was photo worthy... and this was "back in the day" when we actually developed film. Her daddy had to miss her first Christmas when he was sent to Somalia but Molly sent him off with her very first wave.
Molly was a natural leader (oldest child) in our family. She was very good at keeping us on task and reminding us of the rules. And she was always so beautiful. She did have a bit of an awkward jeans & star wars t-shirts with a Telli-Tubbie hooked to her belt loop phase- but she has certainly grown out of that! Nowadays she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine.
I think I can safely say that a defining moment in Molly's life was when her dad and I divorced. I'm sure it felt as though her (and her siblings) world spun out of control. I was a mess. And I did not handle the choices put in my path the way I might if I could have a redo. And her dad was not consistent with visits. It breaks my heart to think of what my children must have been feeling. Molly was 15 and handled it far better than I think I would have.
Molly had always said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy when she grew up. Much to the chagrin of her school guidance counselors. But Molly has always had a way of making sure things (within her control) have a way of falling into place. So as Molly celebrated her 21st birthday last week- she is the best wife and mommy I've ever met. She and her husband Ryan are deeply in love, best friends, and are sealed for time and all eternity. She has two beautiful and amazing daughters- Brianne will be 3 in a few weeks and Leighton is 18 months.
At this point in time my relationship with Molly is strained. It breaks my heart but I try to understand. Each and every day that goes by without seeing or at least talking to her, literally brings me to my knees. I will focus on the positive. The wonderful things she is doing with her life. And the dreams she had that have come true. Isn't that what we truly want for our babies?
Now for some "favorites"... pics of Molly.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Somebody That I Used To Know"
A few weeks ago I discovered this song by playing the "Popular" songs on Grooveshark.com. It sounded very "emo" so I started to skip it then somehow got hooked by the chorus. Then I listened to the lyrics and wanted to say "wow... how did you know my life?" I posted it once on Facebook with a comment that it made me think of my ex-husband and got a couple of responses of "WHICH ex?" Bahahahahaha... not really funny, but kind of.
Anyway, I was just listening to it again after one of my music idols MARK HOPPUS posted it and claims to be addicted as well. So I decided to use MY blog to vent MY feelings about Somebody That I Used to Know.
"Somebody That I Used To Know"
(feat. Kimbra)
[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die (yep...he did)
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember (yessss...I felt more alone when I was married to him than I do now that I am actually alone)
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness (wow..hadn't thought of it in these words until now)
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends (he SWORE we'd even hug when greeting each other)
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over (the relief was overwhelming)
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing (ask him ...or his wife... now. You'd think we barely new each other)
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough (TOTALLY flippin' ignores me even if I speak to him- won't even be in the same room with me if he can avoid it)
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number (well...he did change his number but I am not "allowed" to call him anyway. Only email which SHE answers)
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know (but thanks...it made it easy to move on. The man I married and had children with no longer exists.)
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done (O M G... every single time. Just ask my BFF about the daily calls asking her if I was crazy)
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know (Bahahahahahaha now THAT is hilariously ironic)
[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
Yep. But he tells me to "move on". I've been told I talk of him too much. It's tough. We were married for EIGHTEEN years! But it's true. I do talk about him more than I should. The drama that continues keeps him in my thoughts. Sharing four children that speak of him all the time makes it rough. But one of my goals is to keep working on that. Our thoughts determine our lives. So my energy would be better spent elsewhere.
My favorite? This song...
Saturday, January 28, 2012
"Me" day
I spent the day at the zoo. It was nice. It was some good alone time to think. Some things on my mind these days (in no particular order)-
My relationship with David. Has there been too much damage to fix it? The next relationship I have will be the last. I can't stand another end. So this has to be for good.
O M G... Sara is graduating in a few months. GRADUATING.
Molly hates me. She is in a place where all she remembers is every bad thing I've ever done. So we don't talk. And I don't see her. Or her babies. My heart physically aches. Period. And I have no idea what to do.
My job is fun. And I would be extremely excited about it. But I am scared to death. I was hired to replace someone that "wasn't working out". The pressure is enormous.
I should go to the Temple more often. For that matter my whole life needs some structure. But back to the Temple. When I went last week and pondered fervently on these issues that weigh on my heart the answer I got? Work on YOU Shelly. Be the best you you can be and the good will come.
And now for my favorite. My favorite animal(s) at the zoo, Sea World, wherever I can find them. My kids claim I sit and watch them for "hours" so today I timed myself. 47 minutes watching the polar bear.
My relationship with David. Has there been too much damage to fix it? The next relationship I have will be the last. I can't stand another end. So this has to be for good.
O M G... Sara is graduating in a few months. GRADUATING.
Molly hates me. She is in a place where all she remembers is every bad thing I've ever done. So we don't talk. And I don't see her. Or her babies. My heart physically aches. Period. And I have no idea what to do.
My job is fun. And I would be extremely excited about it. But I am scared to death. I was hired to replace someone that "wasn't working out". The pressure is enormous.
I should go to the Temple more often. For that matter my whole life needs some structure. But back to the Temple. When I went last week and pondered fervently on these issues that weigh on my heart the answer I got? Work on YOU Shelly. Be the best you you can be and the good will come.
And now for my favorite. My favorite animal(s) at the zoo, Sea World, wherever I can find them. My kids claim I sit and watch them for "hours" so today I timed myself. 47 minutes watching the polar bear.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Day off
Ok...so let's be honest. I've been "off" for several weeks now. BUT I started a new opportunity yesterday and then didn't have to work today so it is still a day off. I've been cleaning, paying bills, reconciling my checkbook, all kinds of fun stuff.
I am due for another introduction. I am never quite sure what order to go in but I've decided today to introduce you to my children's dad. Mostly because I want to get it done. And some days I feel worse about him than others. Wouldn't be fair to post on one of the bad days. So let me introduce you to Matthew Crabtree-----
Because I made a commitment in the beginning to this being an open and honest blog I am going to tell the real version-- not the watered down one I typically share.
I should start with my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. It sounded like a fun idea so I said yes. Oh to be 18 and live day by day. I don't recall giving much thought to a life together. But the wedding sounded like a fun idea. And being a wife and mom was my life long dream so this made sense. We both graduated in June, he left for boot camp in October, came home briefly in February to get married, then left soon after for a year in Okinawa. So once things settled down and reality hit me I had one of the biggest "whoops" moments of my life. We talked on the phone and sort of agreed that we had made a mistake and decided we would "separate" even though we were already geographically separated. So I started living like a single 19 year old. I visited my friends in college. And I went out to clubs with my friends in town.
One of those nights at a club a young man caught my eye. I will spare you the gruesome details of me figuring out how to meet him and just fast forward to later that night when we danced and talked. I gave him my phone number but considering his level of intoxication I figured it was over when we left that night. When I was at work the next day my friend and sometimes roommate called me and said "that guy from lastnight called! He wants you to meet him at the club again tonight!" Again, sparing some details, we fell hard. He was actually stationed at Lowry AFB though and was due to leave that very week! He decided to take a week of leave so we could spend some time together. After he transferred to Camp Pendleton I visited him for a week. Then I had a slap in the face from reality when it was time for my "husband" to come back and we needed to tie up those loose ends. He ended up being less than cooperative so things did not exactly go smoothly. However, a few months later I found myself MOVING to California to live near Matt. He was a young Marine and not allowed to live anywhere other than the barracks at the time so we definitely struggled financially. When we got married I was working full time at a bank, part time at a bridal shop (a strategic move), and trying to take some college classes. We planned to get married in August of 1989 but we woke up on Memorial Day of that year and started talking about how much more money he would be making after we got married due to the housing allowances and such. So we decided to hop in the car and drive to VEGAS. We didn't tell anyone and still had our wedding in August. And then we got married in the LDS Temple in September of 1991 (I will get to that later)---- but considering we were married THREE times you would think it would have stuck, huh?
A requirement of getting married on a Marine base is fulfilling a 3 day workshop on marriage. As part of that a Chaplain came to discuss religion. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints but I was not "active" at the time. Matt had been a Jehovah's Witness as a small child then attended a baptist church as he got older. At that time he said he was leaning towards more "scientific" beliefs. The Chaplain explained to us that it was not necessary that married people share the same religion but that it is vital that they agree on what they will teach their children. This opened up several conversations between us. One day we were visiting the Mormon Battalion Museum in San Diego. I shared with one of the missionaries that Matt was due to go over to the Gulf for Operation Desert Storm soon. She offered to have her husband give Matt a blessing and he agreed. After the blessing the missionaries asked if they could have some missionaries in our area visit us and much to my surprise Matt agreed to that as well! Then after a few meetings with our local missionaries Matt decided he wanted to be baptized. I was shocked to say the least. But he was baptized and worked hard to study and stay active while he was in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for 6 months. Soon after he returned we starting preparing to go to the Temple. During this time we found out we were expecting our first child! We were very excited for all of the joyful things ahead of us.
Let me start out by saying Matt has always been one of those people that is larger than life. Everyone that meets him loves him. He is funny. He is intelligent. And he is good looking. We seemed to be a close to perfect couple and family. We had our ups and downs like everyone does. And in all fairness I will admit that I am a fairly emotional person. Which translated into some "passionate" arguing. But overall things were good. However, I always felt like anything that went wrong was my fault. And Matt has always been generous with criticism. I still felt like the good far outweighed the bad. Even when Matt would occasionally make close female friends. This habit seemed to begin very innocently. I recall one in the early days - a girl he worked with, that he went out country dancing with a few times so he could learn how to dance and then take me dancing. Then there was one that was slightly less innocent, a gal that had literally told me that she could and would take Matt away from me if she wanted to. Believe it or not, Matt had been her home teacher. She got divorced and one day Matt went to lunch with her. He told me about it a week later and admitted to "wanting to upset" me but didn't have a clear reason why. It isn't out of spite that I say that I could go on for quite some time talking about his various "friends". I will talk about only two more. One was definitely the most damaging to my psyche. It was my BFF. But it was all very odd. Let me start by saying that she would NEVER betray her husband or me. But we were all very good friends so one night when Matt said --in front of her husband and I--- that he needed to talk to her and would stop by soon, we didn't think it too odd. I honestly thought he was probably planning to buy me something and wanted her opinion. But from what I've been told when he went over there he told her that he was in love with someone else and wanted her opinion on what he should do. She told him to definitely get that out of his mind and go home to me. But after that night he started acting very oddly. And finally one day when I was telling her how crazy it was making me she told me about the conversation. When I confronted him he claimed it was a girl he had met in class but I had this odd feeling that it was actually my BFF. For years that effected my relationship with her and it forever changed our relationship as couples.
Somehow we got through that. I will skip over a few more rocky spots. And then we come to April of 2007. I shared with Matt one night that I was still having a hard time believing he loved me and wanted our marriage. He held my hands in his, looked me in the eye, and said "You will just have to trust me." So I decided I would need to do just that. Things were going pretty good really. He had a good job, although he had to be in LA Monday- Thursday each week. But he seemed strong in the Church, giving lessons, talks, and sharing his testimony often. And I was busy with our four active children who were now 9, 11, 13, and 15 and homeschooling.
Matt's 20 year high school class reunion was scheduled in June of that year. He was active in helping plan it and often talking to fellow classmates. We were due for a family vacation so we planned a long 3 week trip to Missouri for the reunion but we would also be fitting in plenty of family time there as well as a stop in Colorado to see that part of our family. The kids were counting down the days! About a week before our departure Matt came to me and said that he had some concerns about us taking the trip. He said he was concerned about finances although we had already worked all of that out and had planned well. However, he insisted we not ignore his feeling so we cancelled the trip. The kids were devastated! I didn't want him to miss his reunion though so I insisted he fly out by himself and attend the reunion. I was not aware that he had another of his "friendships" with a former classmate. So it does seem ironic now that I practically forced him to go. As soon as he returned my intuition was going crazy. Not to mention the rumors that were flying amongst the other class members in attendance. Many of which I had become friends with over the years. Just a few days after his return we had a trip to Sam's Club where he decided to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I don't think I believed it at first. We had been down this road before. But this time was different and that was soon very apparent. Fast forward to today and we are divorced and he is married to his former classmate.
Although I've already aired plenty of our laundry here that was not my main intention. I wanted to paint a picture of a integral character in my life. One more thing relating to our relationship though. During the divorce process I asked Matt to see yet another counselor but with the purpose of simply helping get our children through the process. We met with Dr. Craig Horton in what has become an experience that literally changed my life. After meeting with us together once and with Matt alone once we had an appointment set up that Matt could not (would not?) come to. I sat down and Dr. Horton said to me "You are married to a compulsive liar and a narcissist." He said that he had not had enough time to officially diagnose anything but wanted me to research "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and then come talk to him again. The first thing I came across online was the work of Dr. Sam Vaknin. As I read the stories from people in relationships with people with NPD I broke down sobbing. I couldn't wait to see Dr. Horton again and share with him that he had given me back some of my sanity. The stories I read were as if they were from my own life. I don't want to bore anyone reading this but feel free to do your own research. As with any disorder, not every single aspect fits Matt, but enough that it helped me understand so much of our life.
Our divorce and life since has been an enormous challenge. But we have many wonderful memories. And I make a point of thinking of the good things about Matt. More than anything else I am grateful to him for sharing in the making of our four amazing children. I cannot imagine life without them. And without Matt they would not be here.
I have obviously skipped over several things but I'm glad I got this done. Now to figure out who will be next.
And my favorite thing today is---- The Temple. I am going tomorrow for a much needed visit. And without the Temple my family would not be a Forever Family!
I am due for another introduction. I am never quite sure what order to go in but I've decided today to introduce you to my children's dad. Mostly because I want to get it done. And some days I feel worse about him than others. Wouldn't be fair to post on one of the bad days. So let me introduce you to Matthew Crabtree-----
Because I made a commitment in the beginning to this being an open and honest blog I am going to tell the real version-- not the watered down one I typically share.
I should start with my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. It sounded like a fun idea so I said yes. Oh to be 18 and live day by day. I don't recall giving much thought to a life together. But the wedding sounded like a fun idea. And being a wife and mom was my life long dream so this made sense. We both graduated in June, he left for boot camp in October, came home briefly in February to get married, then left soon after for a year in Okinawa. So once things settled down and reality hit me I had one of the biggest "whoops" moments of my life. We talked on the phone and sort of agreed that we had made a mistake and decided we would "separate" even though we were already geographically separated. So I started living like a single 19 year old. I visited my friends in college. And I went out to clubs with my friends in town.
One of those nights at a club a young man caught my eye. I will spare you the gruesome details of me figuring out how to meet him and just fast forward to later that night when we danced and talked. I gave him my phone number but considering his level of intoxication I figured it was over when we left that night. When I was at work the next day my friend and sometimes roommate called me and said "that guy from lastnight called! He wants you to meet him at the club again tonight!" Again, sparing some details, we fell hard. He was actually stationed at Lowry AFB though and was due to leave that very week! He decided to take a week of leave so we could spend some time together. After he transferred to Camp Pendleton I visited him for a week. Then I had a slap in the face from reality when it was time for my "husband" to come back and we needed to tie up those loose ends. He ended up being less than cooperative so things did not exactly go smoothly. However, a few months later I found myself MOVING to California to live near Matt. He was a young Marine and not allowed to live anywhere other than the barracks at the time so we definitely struggled financially. When we got married I was working full time at a bank, part time at a bridal shop (a strategic move), and trying to take some college classes. We planned to get married in August of 1989 but we woke up on Memorial Day of that year and started talking about how much more money he would be making after we got married due to the housing allowances and such. So we decided to hop in the car and drive to VEGAS. We didn't tell anyone and still had our wedding in August. And then we got married in the LDS Temple in September of 1991 (I will get to that later)---- but considering we were married THREE times you would think it would have stuck, huh?
A requirement of getting married on a Marine base is fulfilling a 3 day workshop on marriage. As part of that a Chaplain came to discuss religion. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints but I was not "active" at the time. Matt had been a Jehovah's Witness as a small child then attended a baptist church as he got older. At that time he said he was leaning towards more "scientific" beliefs. The Chaplain explained to us that it was not necessary that married people share the same religion but that it is vital that they agree on what they will teach their children. This opened up several conversations between us. One day we were visiting the Mormon Battalion Museum in San Diego. I shared with one of the missionaries that Matt was due to go over to the Gulf for Operation Desert Storm soon. She offered to have her husband give Matt a blessing and he agreed. After the blessing the missionaries asked if they could have some missionaries in our area visit us and much to my surprise Matt agreed to that as well! Then after a few meetings with our local missionaries Matt decided he wanted to be baptized. I was shocked to say the least. But he was baptized and worked hard to study and stay active while he was in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for 6 months. Soon after he returned we starting preparing to go to the Temple. During this time we found out we were expecting our first child! We were very excited for all of the joyful things ahead of us.
Let me start out by saying Matt has always been one of those people that is larger than life. Everyone that meets him loves him. He is funny. He is intelligent. And he is good looking. We seemed to be a close to perfect couple and family. We had our ups and downs like everyone does. And in all fairness I will admit that I am a fairly emotional person. Which translated into some "passionate" arguing. But overall things were good. However, I always felt like anything that went wrong was my fault. And Matt has always been generous with criticism. I still felt like the good far outweighed the bad. Even when Matt would occasionally make close female friends. This habit seemed to begin very innocently. I recall one in the early days - a girl he worked with, that he went out country dancing with a few times so he could learn how to dance and then take me dancing. Then there was one that was slightly less innocent, a gal that had literally told me that she could and would take Matt away from me if she wanted to. Believe it or not, Matt had been her home teacher. She got divorced and one day Matt went to lunch with her. He told me about it a week later and admitted to "wanting to upset" me but didn't have a clear reason why. It isn't out of spite that I say that I could go on for quite some time talking about his various "friends". I will talk about only two more. One was definitely the most damaging to my psyche. It was my BFF. But it was all very odd. Let me start by saying that she would NEVER betray her husband or me. But we were all very good friends so one night when Matt said --in front of her husband and I--- that he needed to talk to her and would stop by soon, we didn't think it too odd. I honestly thought he was probably planning to buy me something and wanted her opinion. But from what I've been told when he went over there he told her that he was in love with someone else and wanted her opinion on what he should do. She told him to definitely get that out of his mind and go home to me. But after that night he started acting very oddly. And finally one day when I was telling her how crazy it was making me she told me about the conversation. When I confronted him he claimed it was a girl he had met in class but I had this odd feeling that it was actually my BFF. For years that effected my relationship with her and it forever changed our relationship as couples.
Somehow we got through that. I will skip over a few more rocky spots. And then we come to April of 2007. I shared with Matt one night that I was still having a hard time believing he loved me and wanted our marriage. He held my hands in his, looked me in the eye, and said "You will just have to trust me." So I decided I would need to do just that. Things were going pretty good really. He had a good job, although he had to be in LA Monday- Thursday each week. But he seemed strong in the Church, giving lessons, talks, and sharing his testimony often. And I was busy with our four active children who were now 9, 11, 13, and 15 and homeschooling.
Matt's 20 year high school class reunion was scheduled in June of that year. He was active in helping plan it and often talking to fellow classmates. We were due for a family vacation so we planned a long 3 week trip to Missouri for the reunion but we would also be fitting in plenty of family time there as well as a stop in Colorado to see that part of our family. The kids were counting down the days! About a week before our departure Matt came to me and said that he had some concerns about us taking the trip. He said he was concerned about finances although we had already worked all of that out and had planned well. However, he insisted we not ignore his feeling so we cancelled the trip. The kids were devastated! I didn't want him to miss his reunion though so I insisted he fly out by himself and attend the reunion. I was not aware that he had another of his "friendships" with a former classmate. So it does seem ironic now that I practically forced him to go. As soon as he returned my intuition was going crazy. Not to mention the rumors that were flying amongst the other class members in attendance. Many of which I had become friends with over the years. Just a few days after his return we had a trip to Sam's Club where he decided to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I don't think I believed it at first. We had been down this road before. But this time was different and that was soon very apparent. Fast forward to today and we are divorced and he is married to his former classmate.
Although I've already aired plenty of our laundry here that was not my main intention. I wanted to paint a picture of a integral character in my life. One more thing relating to our relationship though. During the divorce process I asked Matt to see yet another counselor but with the purpose of simply helping get our children through the process. We met with Dr. Craig Horton in what has become an experience that literally changed my life. After meeting with us together once and with Matt alone once we had an appointment set up that Matt could not (would not?) come to. I sat down and Dr. Horton said to me "You are married to a compulsive liar and a narcissist." He said that he had not had enough time to officially diagnose anything but wanted me to research "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and then come talk to him again. The first thing I came across online was the work of Dr. Sam Vaknin. As I read the stories from people in relationships with people with NPD I broke down sobbing. I couldn't wait to see Dr. Horton again and share with him that he had given me back some of my sanity. The stories I read were as if they were from my own life. I don't want to bore anyone reading this but feel free to do your own research. As with any disorder, not every single aspect fits Matt, but enough that it helped me understand so much of our life.
Our divorce and life since has been an enormous challenge. But we have many wonderful memories. And I make a point of thinking of the good things about Matt. More than anything else I am grateful to him for sharing in the making of our four amazing children. I cannot imagine life without them. And without Matt they would not be here.
I have obviously skipped over several things but I'm glad I got this done. Now to figure out who will be next.
And my favorite thing today is---- The Temple. I am going tomorrow for a much needed visit. And without the Temple my family would not be a Forever Family!
Friday, January 13, 2012
ugh
I'm cranky. So hey... why not post a blog?
Seriously. Seriously?
My dilemma is, do I vent here? Who even reads this? My opening post said I wasn't going to hold back but now I am so unsure.
How can something... let's say being a mom... be simultaneously the most rewarding and the most painful experience? Why is it that one or more of my children say I am amazing on the same day another writes me off forever? Man, I am the first to admit I have made GINORMOUS parenting mistakes. But cut me some slack? Give me some credit for effort? Maybe focus on the good stuff--- I'm pretty sure there was good stuff. I remember good stuff. And I know I love them all more than life itself.
More on that love thing. So... I met someone almost 24 years ago and fell deeply in love. We were married for 18 years.EIGHTEEN YEARS. He drove me crazy. Sometimes with laughter. Sometimes with tears. But he did give me those four amazing beings mentioned in the above paragraph. Four people that would not be who they are today had anything in our lives been different. There came a time that he moved on to something someone else. And that is a topic for another time. But my heart was broken. Smashed. Obliterated. However, I love love. I have a lot to give. And I am not a passive gal. So I processed the hurt and was ready to move on. Fast forward through a bunch of crap and some stupid mistakes. I met someone else. Someone completely different than the first. But I was instantly intrigued. And despite some issues I was ready to jump in with both feet. Interestingly, I found myself married again, but now divorced again. But it is very different. I love him. And not many people will understand this but that love is why I divorced him. But that too is a story for another day. Fast forward a few months. I still love him. And things are changing. So I want us back. And he wants us back. But we need to do it "right". Tough thing is... I am soooooo not good with patience. I know where I want to be. So I want to just be there. Yesterday.
Third "ugh"- SCHOOL. I have a love/hate relationship. Right now I am taking "Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences"--- so it is pure hate.
And--- money. There is never enough. Seen the movie "In Time"? Wow. I can so relate. I feel like I am wasting my life away waiting for the next money to pay the bills that are piling up. And I am tired.
I think that will do for now.
My favorite thing? As mentioned previously----- my precious ducklings.
Seriously. Seriously?
My dilemma is, do I vent here? Who even reads this? My opening post said I wasn't going to hold back but now I am so unsure.
How can something... let's say being a mom... be simultaneously the most rewarding and the most painful experience? Why is it that one or more of my children say I am amazing on the same day another writes me off forever? Man, I am the first to admit I have made GINORMOUS parenting mistakes. But cut me some slack? Give me some credit for effort? Maybe focus on the good stuff--- I'm pretty sure there was good stuff. I remember good stuff. And I know I love them all more than life itself.
More on that love thing. So... I met someone almost 24 years ago and fell deeply in love. We were married for 18 years.
Third "ugh"- SCHOOL. I have a love/hate relationship. Right now I am taking "Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences"--- so it is pure hate.
And--- money. There is never enough. Seen the movie "In Time"? Wow. I can so relate. I feel like I am wasting my life away waiting for the next money to pay the bills that are piling up. And I am tired.
I think that will do for now.
My favorite thing? As mentioned previously----- my precious ducklings.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Yay me!
In all fairness----- this has been a rough week or so. So the fact that I am blogging again after only a couple of days means, to me, that I deserve a pat on the back.
If I follow my original plan I am due to "introduce" another player in the game of Shelly's life. I had to go back and read my posts to remember who I have already mentioned. Based on that it would make sense to now introduce my father. This should be easy---- I barely knew him.
I grew up without a father. I had my amazing Grampa. A close to perfect Uncle. And several other fantastic family members and friends that filled the shoes not filled by a father. But still. I always wondered. I found my birth certificate when I was quite young and saw that his name was Terry Lee Mead. That was all I would know about him for years. Once when I was little, I asked my Gramma about him. She said "He died in the war." So for much of my childhood I was convinced that Hogan from "Hogan's Heroes" was obviously my dad. Then as I got a bit older I would be excited anytime a new phone book was delivered---- this was obviously pre-internet times---- because I could look for his name. Apparently he was "unlisted".
When my mom was nearing her death I realized that I should just ask her about him. It may seem odd to some that I had never done that before. I adored my mom, but we didn't talk about things like that. So sitting on the couch one night I asked her to tell me about my dad. She replied "He left." I tried to press her and she said "That's it. He left."
Fast forward to me as an adult, talking with one of my aunts one evening. I mentioned that with this fancy, new fangled invention called the internet I might be able to get somewhere in the search for my father. I hadn't ever tried too hard but I had just had a baby and realized how good it would be to know the other 50% of my health history. My aunt got emotional and shared that she had known my dad. She and my mom were friends when my mom and dad met so she was there for the whole story. However, she had promised my mom she wouldn't tell anyone. And she didn't. Her information didn't really help me find him but it was still nice to hear something about him. I did find out a pivotal piece of the story. My mom had actually never even told my dad that she was pregnant. So any abandonment I may have felt was unwarranted. How can you abandon someone you are not even aware of?
I posted a message on a site that was primarily for assisting adopted children in finding their birth parents. Literally within an hour I got a message back saying "Try this" and included an address and phone number. I read it and got up and walked away. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the information. I can't even describe what I felt. But my husband decided he would try calling the number. I couldn't even sit in the same room when he called. When he told him "I think my wife might be your daughter" I believe the response was something like "well, that is entirely possible considering the way I lived my life". After exchanging names, dates, and finally some photos it was confirmed. My dad had been found.
We were then living on Camp Pendleton but were planning to soon move back to Denver because my husband was getting out of the Marine Corps. So for the next several weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls. My dad sent me flowers on the first birthday of my daughter. When we finally got back to Denver we set up a meeting. We met for dinner with my dad and some of his friends. It was completely surreal. You meet someone that is really a total stranger and yet at the same time they are one of your closest relatives. I was in a daze for most of the dinner.
My dad was living alone after a bitter divorce several years prior. And he had lost his mother to heart disease due to a drinking problem. So he was lonely and more then ready for a father/daughter relationship. I was not so ready. I needed some time to let it all sink in. We kept in touch. That was in May of 1993. One morning in January I got a call from my dad's sister informing me that he had died of a drug overdose.
I was sad. I was mad. But I was definitely glad I had found him. I went to his funeral and met "family" but have not really kept in touch. However, through all of this I did find out that he had another daughter--- a HALF SISTER! More on that will come in future postings. :-)
So, that is the story of my dad.
Now it is time for homework (Stats---which is why I am putting it off) but I need to end with a favorite thing. I'm going to keep it simple...
If I follow my original plan I am due to "introduce" another player in the game of Shelly's life. I had to go back and read my posts to remember who I have already mentioned. Based on that it would make sense to now introduce my father. This should be easy---- I barely knew him.
I grew up without a father. I had my amazing Grampa. A close to perfect Uncle. And several other fantastic family members and friends that filled the shoes not filled by a father. But still. I always wondered. I found my birth certificate when I was quite young and saw that his name was Terry Lee Mead. That was all I would know about him for years. Once when I was little, I asked my Gramma about him. She said "He died in the war." So for much of my childhood I was convinced that Hogan from "Hogan's Heroes" was obviously my dad. Then as I got a bit older I would be excited anytime a new phone book was delivered---- this was obviously pre-internet times---- because I could look for his name. Apparently he was "unlisted".
When my mom was nearing her death I realized that I should just ask her about him. It may seem odd to some that I had never done that before. I adored my mom, but we didn't talk about things like that. So sitting on the couch one night I asked her to tell me about my dad. She replied "He left." I tried to press her and she said "That's it. He left."
Fast forward to me as an adult, talking with one of my aunts one evening. I mentioned that with this fancy, new fangled invention called the internet I might be able to get somewhere in the search for my father. I hadn't ever tried too hard but I had just had a baby and realized how good it would be to know the other 50% of my health history. My aunt got emotional and shared that she had known my dad. She and my mom were friends when my mom and dad met so she was there for the whole story. However, she had promised my mom she wouldn't tell anyone. And she didn't. Her information didn't really help me find him but it was still nice to hear something about him. I did find out a pivotal piece of the story. My mom had actually never even told my dad that she was pregnant. So any abandonment I may have felt was unwarranted. How can you abandon someone you are not even aware of?
I posted a message on a site that was primarily for assisting adopted children in finding their birth parents. Literally within an hour I got a message back saying "Try this" and included an address and phone number. I read it and got up and walked away. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the information. I can't even describe what I felt. But my husband decided he would try calling the number. I couldn't even sit in the same room when he called. When he told him "I think my wife might be your daughter" I believe the response was something like "well, that is entirely possible considering the way I lived my life". After exchanging names, dates, and finally some photos it was confirmed. My dad had been found.
We were then living on Camp Pendleton but were planning to soon move back to Denver because my husband was getting out of the Marine Corps. So for the next several weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls. My dad sent me flowers on the first birthday of my daughter. When we finally got back to Denver we set up a meeting. We met for dinner with my dad and some of his friends. It was completely surreal. You meet someone that is really a total stranger and yet at the same time they are one of your closest relatives. I was in a daze for most of the dinner.
My dad was living alone after a bitter divorce several years prior. And he had lost his mother to heart disease due to a drinking problem. So he was lonely and more then ready for a father/daughter relationship. I was not so ready. I needed some time to let it all sink in. We kept in touch. That was in May of 1993. One morning in January I got a call from my dad's sister informing me that he had died of a drug overdose.
I was sad. I was mad. But I was definitely glad I had found him. I went to his funeral and met "family" but have not really kept in touch. However, through all of this I did find out that he had another daughter--- a HALF SISTER! More on that will come in future postings. :-)
So, that is the story of my dad.
Now it is time for homework (Stats---which is why I am putting it off) but I need to end with a favorite thing. I'm going to keep it simple...
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Feelings
Welcome back to blogging Shelly. What a loser.
Feelings.
I'm not talking about the song. I'm talking about the little things that run around, dance, and sometimes camp out in my head. I have often been told I am optimistic. Happy. A glass half full kind of gal. RIGHT NOW I am not feeling that. Dare I make a list of what I am feeling? (These are in no specific order.)
Alone.
Vulnerable.
Hurt.
Anxious.
Worried.
Weary.
Inferior.
Unsure.
Ashamed.
Bitter.
Insulted.
Impulsive.
Determined.
Brave.
Challenged.
Devoted.
Blessed.
Thankful.
Tomorrow is the Sabbath. As a friend said "I love Sundays. It's the day where, like it or not, I grow closest to God." I agree. And I need Him.
My favorite thing today?
Bear with me...you'll see....I bounce back quickly. I've just had a few hits I need to recover from.
Feelings.
I'm not talking about the song. I'm talking about the little things that run around, dance, and sometimes camp out in my head. I have often been told I am optimistic. Happy. A glass half full kind of gal. RIGHT NOW I am not feeling that. Dare I make a list of what I am feeling? (These are in no specific order.)
Alone.
Vulnerable.
Hurt.
Anxious.
Worried.
Weary.
Inferior.
Unsure.
Ashamed.
Bitter.
Insulted.
Impulsive.
Determined.
Brave.
Challenged.
Devoted.
Blessed.
Thankful.
Tomorrow is the Sabbath. As a friend said "I love Sundays. It's the day where, like it or not, I grow closest to God." I agree. And I need Him.
My favorite thing today?
Bear with me...you'll see....I bounce back quickly. I've just had a few hits I need to recover from.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sorry I haven't written....
.... and this post is simply checking in. I WILL be writing again. Life has continued to be a roller coaster ride. But as I have said many times- that ride is made bearable, and even enjoyable, because of my riding companions.
I cannot forget to share my favorite thing. Today it is this...
Monday, July 26, 2010
The worst blogger EVER
It's me. Just in case you were wondering.
I have a whole bushel of excuses though.
I've been working a lot. A LOT.
I've been working on my marriage.
I've continued trying to work with my ex on parenting, custody, etc.
I'm a GRANDMA for heaven's sake. That keeps a gal busy.
I promise. I will get back to this. Soon.
Oh yeah... my favorite thing? FIREWORKS!
I have a whole bushel of excuses though.
I've been working a lot. A LOT.
I've been working on my marriage.
I've continued trying to work with my ex on parenting, custody, etc.
I'm a GRANDMA for heaven's sake. That keeps a gal busy.
I promise. I will get back to this. Soon.
Oh yeah... my favorite thing? FIREWORKS!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Memories
My earliest memory is of my Uncle Denny and his friend Red Eagle (a real live Indian!) when they were home on leave from the Navy. They were swinging me in the kitchen...one holding my arms and the other holding my legs. I remember laughing while I worried that they were getting terribly close to the oven and I was afraid I'd hit it.
So that is where my story begins. Or at least what I remember.
I apologize if anyone ever reads this and feels like I jump around too much. That is just how I roll.
I had an amazing childhood. I was surrounded by people that adore me. I didn't know my father (more about that another time). Most of the time my mom & I lived with my grandparents. I happened to have the best grandparents EVER. And I had lots of aunts & uncles & cousins that were over all the time. We had picnics, BBQ's, fishing trips, etc. And everyone was invited. For a social butterfly such as myself, it was heaven.
One of my best memories flood back anytime I smell vegetables fresh from a garden. My grandparents had an enormous garden. I realize now it may not have been as huge as I recall but to a small child it seemed to go on forever. Especially when I "helped" dig it up in the spring. We worked out there a lot. Often just my Grampa and I. And after all of our hard work and waiting we would sit down against the garage and sample our bounty. Sitting beside the tomato plants he'd cut a freshly picked cucumber with his pocket knife and hand me a piece. Or let me pull a piece of rhubarb and eat it (without rinsing it off even...but don't tell my Gramma). I don't remember even talking much during these snacks. But there was no reason to. Eventually we'd hear my Gramma call out "Frank!" and we'd head inside.
To this day the smell of a tomato plant makes me feel like a child...a very safe & adored child. That's my favorite.
So that is where my story begins. Or at least what I remember.
I apologize if anyone ever reads this and feels like I jump around too much. That is just how I roll.
I had an amazing childhood. I was surrounded by people that adore me. I didn't know my father (more about that another time). Most of the time my mom & I lived with my grandparents. I happened to have the best grandparents EVER. And I had lots of aunts & uncles & cousins that were over all the time. We had picnics, BBQ's, fishing trips, etc. And everyone was invited. For a social butterfly such as myself, it was heaven.
One of my best memories flood back anytime I smell vegetables fresh from a garden. My grandparents had an enormous garden. I realize now it may not have been as huge as I recall but to a small child it seemed to go on forever. Especially when I "helped" dig it up in the spring. We worked out there a lot. Often just my Grampa and I. And after all of our hard work and waiting we would sit down against the garage and sample our bounty. Sitting beside the tomato plants he'd cut a freshly picked cucumber with his pocket knife and hand me a piece. Or let me pull a piece of rhubarb and eat it (without rinsing it off even...but don't tell my Gramma). I don't remember even talking much during these snacks. But there was no reason to. Eventually we'd hear my Gramma call out "Frank!" and we'd head inside.
To this day the smell of a tomato plant makes me feel like a child...a very safe & adored child. That's my favorite.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Mother
Next introduction. I'd like to introduce my mother- Sandra Kay Smith- Connell. Sandy. How much I loved her goes without saying. She was mommy. And yes...I said was. My mother died 28 years ago tomorrow. She died on my grandpa's birthday after a long battle with cancer. I had just finished 8th grad. My brother was almost 4 years old.
Of course I have many wonderful memories of my mother. But I wish I could have known her when I was an adult. For almost 10 years now I have been older than my mother ever was. She was never 40. She was never a grandmother. I wish I was able to look to her at times for direction.
I am even more sad for my brother who doesn't even really remember her. And I am sad for her. I can only imagine the pain of knowing you would be leaving your children forever. We've both struggled from time to time but I am pretty sure she'd be happy with what we've done with our lives. And I'm sure we'll see her again and have the privilege to talk to her.
Some things I remember- she loved red roses. She used a lotion called Rose Milk. She was the middle child. She was a loyal and loving friend. She was a hard worker. She took responsibility for her actions. She loved liver and onions. She introduced me to Der Wienerschnitzel (which I LOVE to this day). She faced her trials with grace.
Of course I have many wonderful memories of my mother. But I wish I could have known her when I was an adult. For almost 10 years now I have been older than my mother ever was. She was never 40. She was never a grandmother. I wish I was able to look to her at times for direction.
I am even more sad for my brother who doesn't even really remember her. And I am sad for her. I can only imagine the pain of knowing you would be leaving your children forever. We've both struggled from time to time but I am pretty sure she'd be happy with what we've done with our lives. And I'm sure we'll see her again and have the privilege to talk to her.
Some things I remember- she loved red roses. She used a lotion called Rose Milk. She was the middle child. She was a loyal and loving friend. She was a hard worker. She took responsibility for her actions. She loved liver and onions. She introduced me to Der Wienerschnitzel (which I LOVE to this day). She faced her trials with grace.
Sandra Kay Smith
October 10, 1948- June 16, 1982
Monday, June 14, 2010
Why?
Oh why do I wait until late at night to write here?
I need a new purse. I really do. New purses are like a drug to me. When I start feeling like I just HAVE to buy a new purse I am typically very stressed and/or sad. Got a lot on my mind these days folks. Will share more about that soon enough.
I escaped for a bit by going to see "The A Team". Didn't like the tv show when I was younger but the movie was well worth the money. Mostly because of today's "favorite".
Enough said.
I need a new purse. I really do. New purses are like a drug to me. When I start feeling like I just HAVE to buy a new purse I am typically very stressed and/or sad. Got a lot on my mind these days folks. Will share more about that soon enough.
I escaped for a bit by going to see "The A Team". Didn't like the tv show when I was younger but the movie was well worth the money. Mostly because of today's "favorite".
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sunday
As promised I am going to spend every other post introducing the characters in my story. I've decided to do that in chronological order. So I spent a few days thinking I would start by introducing my mother and pondering what I would say about her. But then I realized that my life began before that. Assuming anyone else reads these posts, I suppose there might be someone that does not know and or agree with my religious beliefs. But for the sake of simplicity lets just say I believe that I existed prior to my life here on earth. I lived in a Spirit World with my Heavenly Father, my elder brother Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.
So lets start there.
I do believe with no doubt in my mind that they are three separate and distinct beings. With separate and distinct roles. And therefore separate and distinct relationships. But I am going to introduce them jointly.
I know they love me. I also know that they know me...specifically. My life would not be what it is without knowing them and having them in my life.
I could go on and on. Someday maybe I'll really blow your mind and tell you what I know & feel about my Heavenly Mother.
My favorite is Sundays. Having and taking the time to focus on my relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.
So lets start there.
I do believe with no doubt in my mind that they are three separate and distinct beings. With separate and distinct roles. And therefore separate and distinct relationships. But I am going to introduce them jointly.
I know they love me. I also know that they know me...specifically. My life would not be what it is without knowing them and having them in my life.
I could go on and on. Someday maybe I'll really blow your mind and tell you what I know & feel about my Heavenly Mother.
My favorite is Sundays. Having and taking the time to focus on my relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Too much....
....my brain is too full to focus tonight.
But my favorite thing today was easy to choose. It's nights when I can go to bed without setting an alarm. Definitely in my top 10 favorites.
Sweet dreams my friends.
But my favorite thing today was easy to choose. It's nights when I can go to bed without setting an alarm. Definitely in my top 10 favorites.
Sweet dreams my friends.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I'm already failing
The plan was to blog once a day. Hmmm.
If I follow my plan this was supposed to introduce a character. Honestly, I haven't decided who to start with. So I'll share my "favorite" thing then I'm going to bed.
Summer. It's my favorite season.
Good night.
If I follow my plan this was supposed to introduce a character. Honestly, I haven't decided who to start with. So I'll share my "favorite" thing then I'm going to bed.
Summer. It's my favorite season.
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